Sput Hut: The Full Series

Sput Hut: The Full Series

(soft funereal music) – It’s so weird that
we’re having the funeral inside the restaurant. – Why is it weird? It’s only weird if you make it weird. We’re his family. – No, we’re not. He worked with us for,
like, two months tops. – Well, that-that makes him family in the Spud Hut community. One day is enough. (soft sentimental music) – This is so sad. I don’t even know how he died. – Uh. – Hey. So. I know how he died. So you wanna know? – Sure. – That’s what we brought you here for. – Carmie got in a gun fight. With Geri. – You?
– Not me. I don’t even own a gun. – No, not you. Geri Atric? – I don’t know who that is. – No, I don’t know who that is. I’m Jerry Spruce, owner and
manager at the Spud Hut. I’ve been here 19 years. It’s the best part of my life. I eat so many spuds. – He got in a gun fight, but was he shot? – It was a draw. – Draw as in they both got shot? Or draw as in neither of them got shot? – They both took a few shots, yeah. – Oh my, a few? – But then nobody died. But then Carmie took a few pills. – Oh. – Of every type. – He- – He also had some of the
bullets in his system. – Oh. – So he swallowed those, too. – It’s an unsafe work environment! – He wasn’t at work! – It was, like, over there.
– Oh. (bright music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – Losing Carmie was hard, but I know we’re gonna overcome this, and it was a little bit better knowing that he left me
some things in his will. An Xbox, his bike. Three jugs of milk. That eases the pain a little bit. What are you writing? What are you writing down? – Notes. – For what? He’s still the dead one. – Don’t call him that. – Okay, with all due respect, he was our friend and
worked with us, okay? – Yeah, but did you guys
have an affair with him? – What?
– Did you? – I might have. – The biopsy lady sleeping with Carmie? Damn. Yes, my name is Tatum, but people call me Tater, ‘cause I work at the Spud Hut! You want me to look, like, over here, or? I think this is really inappropriate. – Yeah, this is really-
– He just died. – We’re trying to honor the dead here. – So am I. I honored him. I did a lot for him. And to him.
– Okay. – And for him.
– All right. Miss Cowgirl. – I feel like we should say a prayer. – Yeah. I’m, yup. – Carmie, we worked with
you for just a little, and we hope you’re up there somewhere. What? – She’s not bowing her head. – Can you bow your head? Can you please take off your hat? – You’re wearing a hat. – This is a veil.
– That’s a veil. – You’re wearing a hat. – This is a visor. – I’m gonna start my
prayer from the beginning. Carmie, we hope you rest in peace. – Technically, you guys are looking down, so, like, you think he’s in Hell? – No, it’s just the thoughts-
– No, it’s just a prayer. – You think he did a bad
thing by sleeping with me? That’s what you guys are saying. – Well we actually have to
open up the shop right now, so thank you so much for- – For what reason? Your business is failing. – It’s not failing.
– How’d you know? – We’ve been doing-
– Stop. – We’ve been doing really well, actually. – Tater Tot just revealed
that you guys are failing. – I hate her. – Listen. Maybe you guys could redeem yourself. – We believe in redemption. – Yeah. – I’m supposed to, like, supposed to be at this, like, state fair. – Okay. – Do you guys wanna, like, go? – Why would we go to the fair with you? You’re mean and a bitch. – Well, the winner gets 100 grand. (dramatic music) – Oh. – The winner of what? Just the fair? – It’s the Potato State Fair. – Oh my god, that’s like our whole thing. – That’s what you guys sell here? – Yes.
– Yeah. – Spud is potato. – Spud Hut! If we go to the state fair,
we could win 100 grand? – I mean, I’m gonna be the judge, so. – And all we have to
do is submit a potato? – You have to submit a potato that you’ve never made before. – (gasps) A new potato. – A new spud.
– A new spud. – A brand new spud. – Jerry, Jerry. Jerry, if anybody could make a spud that no one’s ever seen before, it’s you. – That’s me.
– You make the weirdest spuds. – That’s-
– Remember? – Okay-
– Remember? – You didn’t have to call me weird. – I know, but you make the tuna spud, and the butter chicken spud.
– Yeah, yeah. – And the marshmallow spud. – Yeah.
– You could do this. And if you win 100 grand-
– Yeah. – [Tater] We could
finally pay the mortgage. – It would change our lives. We would like to accept your offer, and submit a new potato to the state fair. – Doctor lady. – State fair, I gotta think of, I gotta think potatoes. Maybe like a Mozza ball potato. It could have Mozza, it could have balls. – Then I guess I’ll see
you at the state fair. – Thank you so much. – Do it like a man. Stand up straight, shake
her hand like a man. We’ll see you there. – Oh. Oh. Okay. All right. Um. – You want one? – Oh, I’m, I am all good and married. – No thank you. (beeping) (bright uplifting music) – This place is so cute. You know, I never end up
in this corner of the mall. Oh man, so many choices. Um, do you have wine? – Oh, no. We only have water and spuds. – Do you have boxed wine? – Maybe a box, a wine spud for the fair. – Oh.
– Ooh! I like how the potato’s thinking. – But we unfortunately do
not have boxed wine today. Maybe at the state fair, we might have an alcoholic potato option.
– Oh. – We never had that. – Okay, do you have those
little tiny wine bottles that you can have four of and still drive? – Oh, we are a
beverage-free establishment. – Oh, I see.
– No alcohol here. – Oh, okay. – We don’t have our alcohol license. Yeah.
– Oh, that’s a shame. You know, this place used
to be a Spud (beeping), and it was one of those
where you could take- – What?
– The potato, and you could customize it yourself. – Yeah. – You know, you get the potato,
and then you take it down the whole line, and you get
to add all the stuff yourself. – It was call Spud (beeping)? – Yeah! – It was called Spud (beeping). It was great, it was a sports bar, and they had wine. – We should have wine. We actually, we’re looking
into getting the permits. – Oh, I like the DJ potato. Oh my god. Oh my god. – Yeah, that’s our old line cook. – Oh.
– He just passed away – Yes. We have a spud in honor of him. – Oh no, I loved him in “Blue Bloods”. – Potato, cream, another potato. Cookie crumbs. No. We do have a spud in honor of him. It’s the hatch green chile. – Oh, that’s- – It was his favorite! – Oh, okay. You thought you’d do
something with the name. But, you know, I guess
you can make anything in honor of anyone. – We can make anything in honor of anyone. Um, can I get you a spud? – If you’re not gonna give me wine, then I’m gonna simply have to leave. – Oh. – I’m gonna have to walk
down this entire mall. – Oh. – All the way to the other
end of the fashion square. – Okay. – Where my bike is parked. – You biked here? – No, I’m just kidding. I didn’t. I drove.
– Oh. Good. – And I will find wine
on my way to my car. – Mm.
– I will drink it. – No. – And I will get in my car. – Ah, okay. Legally at the Spud Hut, I can’t recommend that you do that, but also, you go girl. – Thank you. Oh, sesame seeds.
– Don’t. – Boop.
– Oh. – Oh!
– Okay. – That’s okay, I washed
my hands the other day. – It still is not-
– Okay! Oh, it’s my ex-husband. (laughing) I’m just kidding. – Your ex-husband was a tiny potato? – No, he had a very small penis. (Tater laughing) Oh!
– Don’t laugh. – Boop!
– Okay. – Ow! – Ma’am.
– Okay. – She gets, she has-
– I’m gonna go. – She has sensory- – I’m gonna go. – Okay.
– I’m gonna leave. – Okay, well thank you for coming- – But let me know when you have wine. – We will have the permit! – Thank you. – Yup.
– Yes. – Farewell!
– Bye! – [Jerry] Thank you for coming. (bright upbeat music) – We need alcohol.
– We need, I know. – People want-
– Yo! – [Jerry] Maybe like an old-fashioned, oh. – What’s up, Jerry?
– Hey! Barney!
– Hi, Barney. – Tater. – I’m not on my break yet. – Uh, you can go on your
break whenever you want. – Thanks, Jer.
– Yeah. – Yeah, so I never really
liked him that much. We just kinda like, we hit it off. No, it was like, kind of more
like a meet-cute situation, rather than like once we
started kind of dating, it wasn’t really that cute anymore. Like, what was happening was we both were on Christian Mingle as a joke, and I thought he was there seriously, and he thought I was there seriously, and we had not met anyone who was also doing that, so it was like, oh, we should kiss. – Tater, I came because I
have something important that I wanted to talk to you about. – Did you want a spud? – Yeah. – I’m good, Jerry. It’s important, if you
could just give a sec. – Your ear gauge that I bought you. You took it out. – Yeah, I don’t know. I just wasn’t really
frickin’ with it that much. Um, Tater, I think it’s time
for us to end things, maybe. – No! – I think that maybe-
– Jerry, stop! – It’s time.
– Sorry. Damn. I can’t say I didn’t
see it coming, though. I mean, Barney’s way
out of Tater’s league. He’s a cool guy. He’s a cool guy. We play pickle balls on Fridays. He’s much better than I am. He always wins. Great guy, great guy. Tater’s good too, Tater’s good too. But she’s no Barney. – I just, like I’ve been really focused on like my career, and
there’s a lot of big things happening for me. You know, I’ve been grinding. I wouldn’t be able to give you the treatment that you deserve, you know, the attention. So it’s really, I’m
like, doing this for you. – Do you think we’re going too fast? – No, I just like, I
don’t want to, you know, like neglect you, ‘cause I’m so focused on, like, my career. I got big things coming,
and you’re just not like, it’s like you’re important to me. I really care about you, you know. And also like you’re not- – But I could teach you how to do this. – Well you’re not great actually, yeah. That’s another thing, is you’re not that great
at, like, sign spinning. And I’m, like, I’m really
just trying to perfect my craft, you know, and get better. I mean, look at this crap. Like, you can’t even, you can’t even do that junk. – I literally taught you that. – No you didn’t. Stop trying to take
credit for all my success. – The fact that he would even think he could spin faster
than me is so ridiculous. Like, I taught him everything he knows. My signs are so much better. I can spin them so much faster. – But I care about you so much, and this is breaking_
– This isn’t- – This is breaking my heart, like. – This is a bad- – It’s breaking my heart. – This is a bad day to do this. Stop! – I just really- – Our line cook that I
talked to, like, twice, died. – What, did you have a
thing with him or something? Is that why you’re so sad? – No, I’m just saying this
is a bad day to do it. – Whatever, I get it. You and the old line cook-
– Like look, look, look. – Like, had a thing.
– Oh, are you jealous? – Are you trying to make me jealous? – You jealous?
– I get it. – Look, I just have, I
can’t do this right now. I care about you so much, though. And I don’t know, maybe it’s
not the right time for us, right this second. Maybe the right time will
be later, though, you know? Like, I’m open to that. – I can’t believe you’re
breaking up with me after we’ve only like- – I mean, it’s not even really a breakup. – We didn’t even, I know, I know. It’s just- – I mean, we’re like, we were never even really official. I don’t think we ever even, like, DTR’d. You know what I mean? – No, I-
– So it’s like- – I wanted to DTR, and I was getting ready to have that conversation,
but I just think- – [Barney] Well I know, but
I was playing Call of Duty when you wanted to have that talk. I was, like, really busy. – This is the worst day to do this. Okay, fine. Leave. Honestly, fine! I think it’s disgusting-
– Tater. – You only use mouthwash and
not brush your teeth, anyway. – Tater, that’s like, you
don’t need to brush ‘em. The mouthwash gets it all off. – That’s not true. – You should talk to a dentist. – Mouthwash is in addition to toothpaste. It is not a substitute. – Can we hug it out? I mean, I care about you a lot, Tater. – [Tater] Just leave. – Tater. Come on. Tater. – It’s like when you were
here, everything was fine. And now you’re gone, and
everything’s crumbling. Leave, Barney! Just go! I have to go back to work!
– What? – I think it’s a stupid thing to have a sign for, anyway. – Whoa!
– Aubergine Jeans. – Whoa!
– I think it’s stupid! I think you’re disgusting! I think your gums smell like onions- – Okay, whatever.
– And it’s disgusting. Get out!
– Sorry, sorry! – Get out! – I didn’t realize-
– Get out! – Combining my passions was disgusting! Tater, I love you! But you can’t, I care about you, it’s just not the right time! – I taught you everything you know, you (beeping) ass wipe! – [Barney] Tater, it’s not you, it’s me! – I taught you everything you know! – [Barney] It’s me! – I taught you this! (sign clatters)
(Geri yelling) – Okay. Okay. Okay. – Tater, I forgot to ask, can you drive me to my doctor’s
appointment later today? You know my car broke down, right? If that’s cool with you. – I can give you a ride. – Dude, Jerry, that’d be huge, if Tater says no. ‘Cause I’d prefer if it was Tater, but you’re, like,
totally my second option. – What? Get out! – Okay. – Okay. – He’s gross. I find skinny jeans gross. – Wow. Dinner and a show! – Did you want another spud? – I’m allergic to potatoes. I haven’t eaten it at all. I just wanted to say hi to my friend. – Oh. Oh, you knew Carmie? – Yeah. Yeah, I knew him. (bright upbeat music) – Maybe like a garlic shrimp potato? No.
(Tater vocalizing) Okay. ♪ And break out ♪ – A spicy, oh.
(air horn blowing) – Mm! – Oh.
– No. – Mm! Jamiroquai. – No. You’re not supposed to be here. – Sup, fam? – We told you you can only come here if you’re actually gonna buy a product. – You have to buy a spud. – I can’t buy a spud. That’s sacrilegious to the yams. Which I represent. Part of the yam guild. Yam Yurt. – What do you want, Michael? – Mikey. Okay? Jerry, Mikey, we’re basically the same. – We are not. – We are basically two
leaves of one feather. – Just, for- – Look. Things are (beeping) right now. – Is business bad for you guys too? – It’s so bad. It’s worse than ever.
– Oh. – We’re going through a
total yam-ine right now. – What? – It’s almost like
people come to the mall, and they want potatoes or yams. – Nobody comes to the mall anymore! – People used to love potatoes. – Dude! The (beeping) Claire’s next door to us? Empty!
– Empty. – Nobody’s getting their ears pierced for $2 anymore. – Where-
– Or for free! – Where are they getting it? – They’re offering it for free! – Yeah. – Yeah! Zoomies? Empty.
– Empty. – Empty. – Where are they getting their backpacks? – Their backpacks.
– Their skateboards. – No Jan Sports anywhere. – What do you want, Mikey?
– You gotta buy a spud or you gotta get out. – I’m not gonna buy a spud! Jerry! I need your help. Something is wrong in
this mall, all right? And we need to figure out what’s going on. – Dude, just get out. You’re going out of business, okay? It shows all over your face.
– Don’t drag us down with you. – You’re gonna go out of business, too. All right? First it’s the yams, then it’s the spuds. – No.
– No. – We’re applying for 100 grand. – You’re applying for 100 grand? – [Jerry] We’re, yes. – You can just apply for money? – We’re, it’s-
– Where? – The Potato State Fair. – Tell him.
– We are, okay. We are submitting to
the Potato State Fair. And all we have to do is
come up with a new potato, so you will be out of business, and we, at the Spud Hut, will be thriving. – We don’t even need you. You’re not competition. I (beeping) wish we had competition. I wish-
– Yeah. – We had somebody up to
our (beeping) caliber- – Yeah!
– Of spuds! – That’s a great idea. I’m gonna join the Potato State Fair, and I’m gonna prove that yams are the ultimate form of tater. – Oh.
– Get over it. – Give it up! – They’re the ultimate tuber! – What? – Yams are delightfully sweet, and they’re better for you. – No.
– All right? And be careful what you wish for! – Actually, actually, actually, actually, they’re pretty much the same in terms of vitamins and nutrient value. – Please turn it down. I’m going through a breakup. – You’re yurt-ing my feelings. I’m sorry to hear that
you’re going through that, but look at you.
– Mikey, just leave. – You obviously are going through that. – Hey, okay. Well that’s quite enough, Mike. – Look!
– My guy. – Some- – Why is your sign so dirty? – It’s so (beeping) disgusting. – From use! From care, from love.
– Just get the (beeping) out. – And sometimes when I hold it up, people throw spare change at me. All right? Now listen. You’re about to be faced
with whatever the (beeping) is going on in this mall. – Who says shit like that? Get out!
– Get out. – Listen, I saw that you
put a baby on board sign in your Honda CRV. There’s no (beeping) baby in there. – You don’t know that. – You’re a liar.
– You don’t know that. – Do you have a baby-
– You couldn’t even- – Or not?
– Maybe I have a baby! – You couldn’t even
have a dad if you tried. – Oh, Tater. – You couldn’t even be a dad. I’m going through it! Get out! – It’s all right.
– Yeah. Well I’m gonna go take care of my baby that I have. So I hope you feel like shit, ‘cause I have a child. And his name, I won’t even tell you. – What’s his name? – And I was gonna make
you both the godparents. – (gasps) Tater. – So that sucks, dude. Anyways. (blows raspberry) – Oh, come on. That is just disrespectful. – [Tater] We’ll see you at the fair! In your dreams! – All right. (Tater vocalizing) Chicken vindaloo. Chicken, goat vindaloo potato. Oreo potato. Potato Oreo. (gasps) (bright upbeat music) (Tater humming) – Ahoy! Peter Parker, Potato Palace. – Overboard! Man overboard.
– Get in line, spud! – At ease. Hello, I’m Peter Parker. I am the founder, sole proprietor, and captain of the Potato Palace, the region’s most famous
potato restaurant. Hello, Jerry. I saw a Yam Yurt guy was in here. – Peter. – What was this, the
failed business conference? (Frite laughs) – What is this? – This is Potato Palace,
your newest competition, so back up! – Back up. – Hey, what’s up? Um, I’m Frite. I’m the sign spinner at Potato Palace. The best. I was also betrothed to Peter Parker, which, like, not many people know about, but we’re not married. We’re not married. Hi. I’m Frite. – You’re what? – I’m Frite.
– Frite. That’s her name. Got a problem with it? – No. I was just-
– Good. – Didn’t understand what the word was. – Wow, Jerry. Not a lot of business here. – Yeah. – We, uh- – You know this gay sailor? – He’s not gay.
– He’s not gay. – Are you gay? – I’m not gay.
– He’s not gay. He once was my husband, but wasn’t, Because we didn’t get married. – I’m bedding with a woman. Her name is Yuki.
– So now you’re gay? – No!
– No! – He’s not gay! – Hey!
– Hey! – Shut up! – That’s right.
– Whoa. – You tell ‘em. You tell ‘em. Frite, my sign spinner. We have a bit of a history going back. She was once my betrothed. Let’s just say it didn’t work out. I don’t think she has what it takes, but she’s allowed to stay here and be my employee. She could spin a good sign. In Frite’s place, I have a new betrothed. Her name is Yuki. I keep her around my, uh, bedroom, and you know, we have a good relationship. She’s had exes in the past, which I’m not okay with, but I put up with it, you know. She’s had previous people. She’s been in bed with
other people before. – He has a pillow girlfriend. Anyways, we have the biggest
potatoes in the mall. So, pretty cool. We’re Potato Palace.
– I’m not gay. – And he’s not gay.
– We’re Potato Palace. We’re Potato Palace, I’m not gay. – Why are you wearing those shorts, then? – Because we’re (beeping) sailors. – Do you not understand a theme? – Sailors? – I see you guys clearly
don’t understand a theme. You got Poke spud,
bacon cheeseburger spud. – Yeah. – Butter chicken spud. I see you’re on your usual shit, Jerry. This is why we never worked
out as business partners. – Wait, you’re sailors? – Imagine potatoes on a ship. Pretty awesome, right?
– Potatoes on a ship. Potatoes on a ship. – It’s like you’re constantly on vacation, but you’re a potato. – What are you not getting?
– Partition! You know these guys? – I know Peter, I don’t
know Frita, or whatever. We went to high school together. – Frite. – We took culinary arts together. – There’s no sign in front of you. You can’t hear us.
– You can’t hear us. We took culinary arts together. We were kind of friends, and he never accepted my topping dreams. – My time is valuable here. – Yeah. – You see, we already sold
out of potatoes today. – Fully sold out. It was crazy.
– Fully sold out. – Our line was around the block. – Around the block.
– We also, um- – No, you have a lot of potatoes left. Can I ask you something, Jerry? Is this the ordinary size of your potato? (Frite laughing) – That’s, what do you mean? That’s-
– It’s so small. – That’s an average size-
– Peter, it’s so small. – That’s an average size potato. – That’s hilarious.
– It’s so small. – What’s funny about-
– That is so small. – That’s a normal sized-
– It’s like this big. – It’s no wonder.
– No! – It’s no wonder nobody’s buying this. – Yeah! – Tell me. Tell me, Jerry. – How big are your potatoes? – Don’t even worry about it.
– Stop me. – Tell me. What’s your EBITDA? – Keep going.
– What? – What’s your EBITDA?
– Keep going. – What?
– Keep going. – No.
– Keep going. – What? – Keep going. – Keep going? – And imagine a thick,
fat slab of butter on it! – Hot, juicy bacon. – Delicious chives chopped perfectly, ‘cause we have a mandolin, idiot. – That’s right. Do you know what a mandolin is? – It’s the most dangerous
tool in the kitchen! – What even is your job? Is it just to scream? – She’s a sign spinner. – Do you mask for your low
intelligence with screaming? – Peter, she’s a sign spinner. – Oh, yes.
– What’s your name? – Nice to meet you.
– Of course. – What’s your name? – Frite. – Don’t touch her sign. – Let me just feel the tip of it. – Don’t. – Let me just feel the tip of it. (Frite sighs) – We’re not doing this, Frite. Don’t stoop down to their level. – I just wanted-
– Stop! – It’s how sign greeters greet. – And I just thought I’d mention we have created the largest potato, and we’re gonna be at the state fair. (Tater laughs) With our newest potato. – Size doesn’t matter! It’s the toppings and the
inside that does matter. – We have an insane amount of toppings. Look at this. There’s butter on my costume. – Are you expecting? – No. (Tater laughing)
– You look like it. – Shut up! – I think what you can be expecting is being out of business. – Yeah, right. We’ve got a new potato in the works. It’s gonna blow your big
potato out of the water. – Tell him, Jerry. Tell him what it is. – Yeah, tell us exactly what it’s called-
– Why don’t you tell us? – And what the ingredients are. – Yeah. – You’ll steal it, knowing you! – We don’t need to steal anything. – Yeah, we already have it.
– You kidding me? We have the secret sauce. – Secret sauce? – And not a real sauce, dummy. – Mikey, not now!
– It smells like, it smells like farts in here. What is that?
– Smells like hog water. – It’s Mikey.
– That was me! Whoa. Told you, the gay guy. – I don’t even see him.
– He’s not gay! – I don’t even see him. – I’m inventing a new potato! – Michael, go home.
– Okay. – Shut! Anyways, there’s only
one way to settle this. – Ow!
– Hey. Hey!
– What are you doing? – Okay, Mikey, that’s quite enough. – Ah! No! No! – Yeah!
– No! – All right, I think
I’m gonna have to ask- (Mikey wails) Everyone who’s not purchasing a spud to- – Michael, get out of here.
– Please vacate. – Not until you give me the remains of my sign. – What are you doing? – I just, I just took a smell of you. (Mikey blows raspberries)
(all groan) – He always does that. – Why does he do that? – I’ve always wanted to take
the sign out of his hand. I’ve always wanted to do
that, and you did that. – Why didn’t you do it? It really wasn’t that
hard, I just took it. You know, Tater, is it? – Yeah. And Frite? – You can do hard things. It’s not hard. – Attention! At ease. Don’t talk to the competition. – You’re right.
– Don’t trust them. – Salute! – You’re right.
– Salute! I don’t know, salute! – What are you doing? You guys don’t salute. – Yeah, we. – Jerry.
– Spud Hut! – Well, I think I’ve
seen enough for today. – Yeah. – Seems like you’re failing, as usual. – Yuck. – I, uh, gotta get to better things, AKA, my new girlfriend, Yuki, who is a woman, and I’m not gay. I’ll see you at the state fair. – I’ll see-
– Failure. – I’ll see on your, on your gay boat. – Go ahead.
– Stop! – Go ahead. – All boats are gay.
– It’s a ship! – All boats are gay! – It’s a ship!
– That’s not true! – That is true.
– That is not true! – Yup!
– Yachts aren’t gay! – Look how they look!
– No! – Cruises aren’t gay! Ships aren’t gay!
– Look. – Only tugboats are gay, okay? Only tugboats are gay!
– Yeah! (Jerry yelps) – Hey! – Back the (beeping) up! I’ve been through a lot of shit today, and I won’t let it happen again! – Jesus, are you okay? – Yeah, I’m fine. – Frite, dismissed! – See you at the state fair. – We’ll see you there. – Okay. Let’s go. – I’m not gay.
– I, see ya. Are you sure you’re okay?
– Ma’am. Hey. Hey. What?
(Frite grunting) Stop, stop! – Just don’t look. – The work load’s too much, Tater. This is too much for us
to handle by ourselves. We need a new Carmie. We need something better than Carmie. We need a miracle.
– Oh, (beeping). No! – No!
– No! (Mikey sighs) – I just came here to confess something. I don’t have a baby. – We- – I have that sign because sometimes I feel like I’m a baby. – Well, you shit yourself enough, so. – Yeah. – We’ll see you at the state fair, Mikey. – You will. – No.
– No. – [Jerry] You don’t wash your hands. (bright upbeat music) – Okay! You’re right! – We need-
– No more living in the past! – We’ve gotta go to the future! We need someone, oh hello,
welcome to Spud Hut. – Welcome to Spud Hut. (Tater grunting) – I see your signs. I like what you’re doing here with food. Bacon cheeseburger spud, yup. Poke spud, gotta catch it all. Butter chicken spud, uh,
don’t mind if I Vindaloo. Hatch green chiles, yeah, I’ll take one of
all of them, please. – One of every spud? – Yes. To start.
– Finally. It feels like today,
everyone who’s come in here hasn’t ordered a spud. – You really know your way around spuds. – Yeah, some could say I really like (beeping) up some food. – Well, do you have experience with the food service industry? – Please, I have been
banned at more restaurants than you’ve ever walked into, sir. – Well, we’re, um, we’re actually, uh, hiring right now. – What’s in it for me? – Um. We can pay you?
– Okay. – Really?
– Yeah. – Well, we’re actually in the market for new spuds, so I guess this
is your interview right now. – Okay, I got this. Here you go.
– All right. – What do you usually have potato with? Steak, right?
– Yeah. – We reverse this. So you gotta take a mashed potato, fry it on both sides into a patty, and then you take steak, form
it into like a potato ball shape, cook that up, too. Deep fry both of ‘em. Blend it. – Are you gay? – I can be. Is it in the open waters? International waters,
then everything counts. – Boats are gay! – Boats are, oh yeah, boats are gay. Well, boats are pan.
– Wait! There’s an eggplant! There’s a spicy Chinese eggplant! – Szechuan? – Szechuan! Szechuan!
– Yeah. So-
– You’re hired! – Oh, good. Okay.
– This is amazing! Everything’s falling into place! We’re gonna win the state fair! (dramatic music) – (sniffs air) Um, this sounds weird. Was there someone named Mikey in here? – Yeah. – That’s so weird.
– You get the Clorox wipes. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – That dude needs to
get a blood test done. I swear to god. – Oh, oh, oh, oh. Potato a la mode. Potato a la mode. No. (dramatic music) (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – See, usually I do
about, like, eight to six sesame seeds per spud. – Me? – Yeah, I’m-
– Oh, damn. I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were
talking that whole time. – No, that’s okay. I was just training you a little bit. Okay, so you’re gonna do- – I’m sorry I’m late, you guys. But I have some exciting news. I’ve had an epiphany. What we need is marketing. And what do you need to market? – An Instagram post!
– Okay, we got that. So what’s even better than Instagram? – Grassroots, alternate reality game where people find clues that lead them to special websites that give them other clues, and then it leads them here.
– No. – Okay. A commercial! So I brought in a freelance director, Tomey from Smish! Tomey! – Hey, I’m back! – Hey!
– Yay! – Hey!
– And Olivia from Smish! – Oh my god. – I was always more of
a Rooster Teeth guy. (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – I mean, you guys keep
a pretty clean shop. This is actually looking pretty good. I think-
– Yeah. – I just need to bring in our talent, and then we can go ahead and hop right in. – What?
– Sound good? Keith, let’s get in here. – Oh.
– Yo! – There he is!
– How you doing, Tomey? – Keith Leak Jr!
– Keith Leak! – Keith Leak Jr!
– Keith Leak! – From Smish! Your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. How you all doing? I’m here to play Jerry. Is this Jerry?
– That’s right. Yes, that’s Jerry.
– Let me light this for you. – That’s Jerry.
– Oh! – Wow.
– Jerry, meet Jerry. – How you doing, Jerry? – You’re here to play Jerry? – I’m here to play Jerry.
– Yeah, that’s right. Oh, wow! They sound exactly the same. – It’s gonna be good. It’s gonna be good.
– Wow! – It’s gonna be good.
– I got it, I got it, yeah. Well, I’m here because this
was an acting challenge for me. I’ve done, like, I don’t
know how many commercials in the past year and a half, and I’m glad I did it, because you need to go
through some shit sometimes. Can I say shit here? Is that fine to say shit? – Tomey, could I, uh,
have a second with you? – Oh sure, yeah yeah. Olivia, you can just, like, set the light down over here.
– Okay, all right. – Get yourself settled. – And do you need me to be there? I mean, I’m trying to
understand the character. – No, just observe the
body language from afar. – The body language.
– Get into it. – Get into it, okay.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. – I’m gonna do some
stretches in the corner. – Love that.
– All right. – We’re gonna need that. All right. Thank you, Olivia.
– Okay. All right. (bright upbeat music) – Tomey. Uh-
– Hey, what’s up? – Uh, I was just wondering. Uh, did we need an actor? Because I’m actually, I
don’t know if you know this. I-
– What’s that? – I am actually an actor myself. – Oh, I did not know that. – Yeah.
– Would not have known that. – Yeah.
– Or thought that. – I did some shows in high school. – Oh, that’s great. What shows did you do? – Uh, “Fiddler on the Roof”. – Oh, that’s good. So big show, like nothing on camera? – I did take some acting classes. And I’ve seen some plays in my day. “Shrek the Musical”. – I was stuck in a relationship, and then it wasn’t until someone just asks you genuinely, “How are you?” – Mm. – Like you ever feel
when someone asks you, like, “Hey, how are you?” And you’re like, “Oh my god, I actually haven’t thought
about that in a long time.” – How are you? – See, that’s what I’m saying. And I’m like, well, I
actually think this breakup, maybe he was kind of an asshole. – [Keith] Mm. – And like-
– Can I just say something? – Yeah.
– You’re pathetic. – Uh. – Should we audition it, or? – Audition? Well, well he’s got the part. Do you, I mean, I’m gonna have him say like, “Welcome to Spud Hut. I’m Jerry.” – Welcome to Spud Hut. I’m Jerry Spruce. – See, there’s a weird,
like, skeleton thing that you did, and I don’t really know if I enjoyed that as much. – Oh, okay. I can loosen it up. I can loosen it up.
– Okay. – Welcome to Spud Hut. I’m Jerry Spruce.
– Oh. It’s kind of scarecrow
“Wizard of Oz” kinda vibes. – I just heard this
stranger call you pathetic, and I think you should lean into it, because that works for me.
– Yeah. – If you just, like, if
you just start crying, and you’re like, “Please, please. It’s been so long, please.” Like, that usually, it does something. – Like, go full on with your patheticism. – Yeah.
– You think so? I think sometimes, I think
this last guy I was dating, he was the pathetic one. – I appreciate the care,
and passion that you have for this project- ♪ Welcome to Spud Hut ♪ ♪ I’m Jerry Spruce ♪ – That was great, Jerry. You trusted me for this commercial, so I’m gonna go ahead and- ♪ Oh, we got the spuds ♪ ♪ Oh, we got the spuds ♪ ♪ Here at the Spud Hut ♪ ♪ Here at the Spud Hut ♪ – Thanks for letting me talk about it. It’s just like, when you
go through a breakup, it’s like pretty, and I can’t believe it, like we’re shooting a commercial. – Yeah. – My life changed in two seconds. – [Keith] Yeah. ♪ Oh, we got the spuds ♪ ♪ Oh, we got the spuds, yeah ♪ – Jerry, let’s have Keith
come here and do that. Come on in.
– I do recognize you from the Uber Eats commercial. – Oh, one second. Yeah. – He’s from the Uber Eats commercial. – Yeah, it’s the one where
it looks like he blew Frosty. – I am completely distraught after hearing about Tater’s dating life. It really broke my heart. I think I’ll remember her story forever. – I am trying to be a
little less pathetic. I just met a couple
people that made me feel like whoa, I don’t want to be pathetic. So do you have any advice on how to be not what you keep saying that I am? – I think you have to lean in to how pathetic you are. – That’s, I’m sorry, just for the record, that’s literally what I said. – Please stop, please stop. Go over there. – I will, bye.
– Goodbye. ♪ Oh, we got the Spud Hut ♪ ♪ Whoa, we got the Spud Hut ♪ – Oh, Keith! ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ – The pipes are amazing!
– Yeah, yeah. I’ve been working on it.
– I can always count on you. – I’ve been taking vocal classes and shit like that, yeah. – Okay, so you said lean into it? – Yeah.
– What does that mean? – Don’t even think
pathetic is a bad thing. Think of it as, like, a pool, and you’re fully jumping in. Look at yourself. – That’s a slate, not a mirror. – Are you an actor? – No, but I’ve heard about them. – I want you to love yourself. Okay? Because inside this pathetic potato is a little girl, and she
needs to be hugged and loved. – It’s crazy, actors,
they’re just like us. That was amazing. That was so cool. She really kept saying I was pathetic, and sorry, I’ll look over here, yeah. So she kept saying I was pathetic, and at some point, you
know when you say a word over and over again, you’re
like, “Horse, horse, horse horse, horse, horse,” and you’re like what is that word? Horse. Like she kept saying, “Pathetic” and it stopped feeling bad, and it started actually feeling good. – That’s wonderful.
– Yeah, yeah. – Keith, thank you so much.
– Yeah, for sure. – I’ll just, um, I’ll just help direct from behind, I guess. – We actually, we have
a director, and it’s me. So we’re all actually good. – Okay. – You can go ahead and hang
out, go home if you want. Whatever you want. – I’ll watch, if that’s okay. – Yeah, as long as you’re out of the way. – Are you gay? – I’ve had the pride spud four times. – You’ve had what? – We have a pride spud. – Oh, like a potato? A gay potato? – Yeah. And it’s the best one. – You really have to look
in the nooks and crannies of the world to find a story like Tater’s. – Could I message you
on Facebook sometimes? – Please do not do that. – Thank you for saying this. – I love you. – I love you, too. – I’m gonna go help set up now. – You actors are amazing. – Bye, potato. – Bye, Olivia from Smish. I am pathetic. – What’s up? – That’s perfect. I have time to think about my new potato. – Oh, that’s great. – We have to think about a new potato. – Ah, sorry. I just wanted to hop in. I was kinda eavesdropping. I’m the one thinking of a new potato, so, if you wanna watch, we
have a cook chair for you that you could just watch. – Then I will watch from the cook chair. – That’s great. All right. I think we’re good to
start shooting, everybody! Great. Hell yeah. Let’s do this. (bright upbeat music) All right, Keith. So let’s go ahead and
get into character here. – Okay. – Can you give me a little
bit of Jerry Spruce? Now remember, Jerry’s
like a gangly kinda guy. He’s got that voice. – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. – Yeah, yeah.
– Let’s see it. Let’s see it.
– Okay. You want me to do it into the camera? – Yeah, sure, here. We’ll roll on rehearsal here. – Okay, thank you.
– Go for it. – Okay.
– Yeah. (bright music) – Oh, hi! I’m Jerry Spruce. That’s his name, right? – Jerry Spruce. – Okay, my bad, my bad, my bad. – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Okay. – Yeah, the character of Jerry is kind of like, he’s kind of a weirdo. He’s kinda like-
– Yeah, a weirdo. – Yeah, he’s lovable.
– Uh-huh. – He’s got like a good spirit, but it’s like, you wouldn’t wanna interact with him for too long, you know? – And I know that’s really
far from who you are. – Absolutely.
– As a person. – Yeah, I’m not that guy. – But he could do it.
– I know he can. – I didn’t really understand the direction that Tomey was taking, and I, uh, didn’t like the interpretation that Keith had. I don’t think I’m that
weird, or scrangly, or lanky. Right? – Oh, hello. I’m Jerry Spruce, and welcome to Spud Hut. (Olivia gasping)
– It’s really good, is it not? – Yeah, yeah. Oh, I got a quick question. What’s a spud? – Um, so it’s a potato.
– Oh! – [Tomey] Yeah, don’t
worry about it, though. It’s just-
– Okay. – We just gotta get the lines down. – Okay.
– You know, actor. – I mean, that was the only line I got. Hello, my name is Jerry Spruce- – No, and you killed it. – And I killed it? – So that’s great.
(all clapping) Olivia, you’re gonna be, oh. So good. Olivia, you’re gonna be our customer. (Tater clapping) – I’m gonna be in this? – You’re good. Thank you. – It’s honestly so crazy
that this entire time, I just needed to accept the
fact that I was pathetic, and all I needed was that
beautiful actress lady to tell me that, like, I am pathetic. And I knew that. I knew that. But I was like, I just
needed her to tell me that it’s okay that I know. Like you. Back there behind the camera. You could be pathetic. – Olivia, you’re gonna be our customer. Yeah, you’re gonna be in this. So we’re gonna have Jerry say his line, and then customer is gonna come in and say, “Can I have a potato, please?” (Tater clapping)
And then you’re gonna go- And we’re good. Thank you.
– Wow. – And then you can give the potato, and then you can both look into the camera and go, “Spud Hut.” So does that sound good to you guys? – I’m gonna act next to one of the greats. – Yes, that’s right.
– Hold on. – All right.
– Wow. – Let’s give it a shot.
– Okay. – I wanna make sure that this works here. – All right.
– Yeah. – So let’s just take it
from Olivia walking in. – Okay.
– Oh my god. – And then ask him for a potato. – Okay. – Let’s see what that looks like. – Okay. – Do you need quiet? – And we’re good, yes. If you could-
– Hold! Hold, we are shooting! – That’s great. All right, let’s take it from
Olivia walking in, and action. Let’s see. (bright music) Now ask for a potato. – Can I have a potato? – Okay, let’s hold for a second. Sir? – What’s that? – Hi, Gus was it?
– Sure. – Could you get out of the
shot, if you don’t mind? We’re trying to-
– Am I in the shot? Oh, I had no idea.
– Yeah, I mean, yeah. The cameras were, you’re in the short. If you could just-
– I’m so sorry. I thought you wanted
just like some background movement, like there’s so much life. – Didn’t need that, didn’t
say it, didn’t need it. – But you were thinking-
– No. That’s great, though.
– You were thinking it. – But thank you. – Well I’ll just-
– You can- – I’ll just drop this-
– There’s- – Here, and we’re good.
– You don’t need to. No, please don’t cover up the- – What’s wrong with him? – ‘Cause we wanna show
off the store, you know? – No, for sure. Of course. This is how it normally is. I wanna show people how it normally is, so there we go. – Should we call security? Somebody call 911! – We don’t need to!
– Yes, I will! – We don’t need, no, no, no, no! No, no, no! We don’t-
– Tomey, Tomey, Tomey. I have a hard out, so I gotta get this going.
– No, I know. We’re trying to, I know.
– Yeah. – I know, you said you got 20 minutes. – [Jerry] And if you need to leave- – There’s no home phone! – No Jerry, we’re actually good. You can go ahead and take a seat. Thank you so much.
– Yeah, I think got 30. (bright upbeat music) – Okay guys, we gotta
get to this commercial. – Yeah, we gotta get through it. – Hold! – Hey, hey. I think you’re incredible, and I love that you’re
in this potato costume, so I think to sell it-
– It’s my uniform. – When our customer asks for a potato, I’m gonna have Keith call you in, and you can be-
(chair clattering) – [Keith] What? What’s going on with Jerry?
– Oh my god. – Hey Jerry, you good dog?
– Yeah, sorry. I just thought you wanted a chair. – Oh no, I didn’t. I didn’t, but thank you, Jerry. Did you wanna take a seat? But not right there. ♪ I’m Jerry Spruce ♪ – [Tomey] Yeah- ♪ I’m a manager at Spud Hut ♪ – Hey, hey Jerry.
– This is really, really wonderful.
– Yeah. – So I’m actually gonna
just like pull you back here if that’s okay.
– No. – All right. And get you right there.
– Oh my god. – Okay. (Jerry chuckles) – Olivia, let’s have you back out here. We’re gonna have that first line. Olivia, come in, you’re gonna call for, uh, for, what was it? What was it? – Tater!
– Tater, yes. Okay, great. I got it. Give me, like, 40% more gangly this time. – Oh okay, got you.
– Yeah. I really wanna get, you know. – Oh yeah!
(Tomey roars) Hello, I’m Jerry Spruce!
– That’s right. – [Keith] Welcome to Spud Hut! (Tater clapping)
– Exactly. And we’re good.
– Yeah, yeah. – Okay. Everyone’s ready? – Yes.
– Here we go. – I’m ready.
– We’re ready. – Hold on, is everybody ready? Let’s just make sure everybody’s ready. – I hope we’re all ready.
– Okay, cool. – Okay everyone, no interruptions. We gotta get this done. Okay? Lights. Camera. – Action.
– Uh, don’t, no action. I’m the director. Here we go, and-
– Action. – Hold, and that’s a
hold over here for me. – Okay, all right. Guys, I only have 20 minutes left. That’s all I got.
– I know, I know. I know we’re running out of time. – I love being here working with you guys. – I know.
– But this is a lot. – And, ready?
– Yeah, yeah. – And action. – Oh! Hello, I’m Jerry Spruce, and welcome to Spud Hut! – Hey, Jerry. Can I order a potato? – Potato! – [Tomey] God, so good. Yes. Oh. – Oh.
– No, no. No, no, no horse. Horse? Why horse? – These potatoes didn’t
make me sick at all. – What the hell- – Augustus, we’re gonna,
okay, can we cut here? Let’s cut. Um, I guess-
– Action! – Opposite of that. – And cut!
– Hold! Action!
– Not for the cut! – I think we got it.
– Everyone! – Hold!
– And cut! – Guys, this is, I don’t
know if I can work like this. It’s a little chaotic. – Actually, I don’t know
if I can work like this. I’ve done too many
commercials to be doing this. – You got 15 minutes left. Suck it up.
– Oh wow. Thank you. Who are you again? – Do not speak-
– I’m Augustus. – Don’t talk to our actors like that. – He’s the new line cook. – I’m the new line cook, and actually, that’s my
line, so let me cook. – These stories are important to tell. – Mm-hmm. – And we feel very honored to have come here. – No, (beeping) all that.
– Okay. – This was one of the worst sets that I’ve ever been on. – Right, because you’re seasoned. – Yeah, I’ve been very seasoned. – Commercial actor. – But the issue was, I mean, I was doing this for Tomey, honestly. I was doing this as just
some help for a friend. – Yeah. – That’ll be the last time
I’ll probably do that. – Tomey, can I, um, can I
talk to you for a second? – Okay, you’re disrupting
the production, but sure. Yeah, that’s great. It’s already been disrupted. (bright upbeat music) – This commercial is not really, um, going the way that I envisioned it going. – Jerry, when we talked about this, you had said that you gave me the creative control.
– Right. – You’re disrupting my production. – Right.
– This is not working well for me.
– Yeah. – Okay? I’m not really enjoying-
– Okay. – The work that we got going on. – Okay.
– Okay? – Well, you did recast me, so. – Well I actually just never
cast you at all, actually. – Oh.
– Yeah. – Oh. – It was always Keith’s,
it was always Keith. – Hey! – So you didn’t watch the
self tape I sent in with- – I didn’t receive, you sent a self tape? – I got a self tape from you earlier. That must have- – Oh, I sent it to Augustus, he- – Oh no, didn’t get it. Jerry, I just, I really don’t think this is gonna work out.
– Yeah. – It was a very small rate, anyway, so I can, I don’t mind losing that. You can keep it. – Hold on, small rate? – You’ll still get your, I’m giving him-
– Oh, okay. – Yeah.
– Shit. – I don’t need the money. I’m a wealthy, successful
director in Los Angeles. – YouTuber. – So I’m gonna leave you be.
– Okay. – Good luck. I’ll send someone to come
pick up the equipment. – Okay.
– But I think I’m done here. – Okay. Well thank you so much for your help. – Good luck with everything, Jerry. Sorry this didn’t work out. – That sucks.
– Yeah. – You know what? We don’t need a commercial. The spuds will speak for themselves. ♪ I’m Jerry Spruce ♪ ♪ Manager at the Spud Hut ♪ ♪ And I can direct a commercial ♪ – [Olivia] No. ♪ And be successful ♪ – Yeah, I think so. – Is he singing? – And who does Tomey think he is anyway? What he needs is-is to
check himself, right? ♪ I can make spuds ♪ ♪ I can ♪ ♪ Make new spud ♪ – That’s bars.
– Mm-hmm. ♪ Part of your ♪ ♪ Spud ♪ – Hmm. – Rhymed spud with spud. That’s the Kanye approach. He’s gonna be huge. – Wow. I don’t know how to feel about this. (Tater gasping) – Are we done filming the commercial? – Hey, what do- – Couldn’t direct cable. It’s like a direct cable joke. (bright upbeat music) – What are you doing here? – What are you talking about? – You’re the enemy! Get off! – I’m not doing anything. I’m not spying, or anything. – You quite literally
look like you’re spying. – No, I’m not! I was just checking to
make sure that you’re okay. – We’re filming a commercial. – I saw that. It sounds really, really bad. Like, what? Singing commercials is out, babe. Sorry, that was really harsh. – So hold on, hold on. Are we done here? ‘Cause I really have to go. – Yeah, I think we’re done. – We’re done? – I think once that everyone’s left, I’m officially in charge
of the restaurant, and I say you guys can
do whatever you want. – Oh, we should go. – Take a couple spuds for the road. Just remember that it’s
all gonna come together. Thank you for your help today, by the way. You’re both a delight. – Thank you.
– Thank you. – Uh, could I have some more? I’m a little hungry.
– Hey, I just wanna say, it was really nice working with you. – It was great working with you, too. I loved our conversations. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Both of you guys, if
you ever need anything- – No. – And I’m not even talking acting. – I’m good.
– No, I’m good. – Like if you need
someone to help you move. – Thank you.
– I’ll just do it. – Anyways, are you okay? – Why do you keep asking me that? Why do you care if I’m okay? – I don’t care if you’re okay, I just wanted to know if you’re okay. Are you? – I’m-I’m better than okay. I’m pathetic. (soft music) – You’re pathetic? Who told you that? – Shh! I jumped in a pool. – Whoa. – I’ve been hanging out with actors. And I’m pathetic. – Okay, so you hit the high life. Good for you. That’s awesome. Honestly. You, like, kinda believe in yourself, and that’s, I don’t even
know what that means. – Is that hat attached to your costume? – Yeah. They sewed it on. It took them hours. And this is sewed on too. – They made me pay for mine. – Are you serious? – Yeah. – That Jerry guy sucks. – He’s misunderstood. You have a hat. You have a scarf. It’s just- – I have gloves, too. – Oh, your costume’s so much cooler. – Thanks, but who cares? I just wanna make sure that you’re okay. – I’m fine. – Fine. Whatever. Why do I even bother asking? I don’t care about anyone anyways. I’ll make my parents happy, ‘cause I don’t care about anybody. – [Jerry] Where’s Tater? We gotta get back to work. – Get out! – Fine, I’ll go. Just tell me you’re okay. – I’m fine. – Fine! – My sign is soaking wet. What’s happening to me? I’m pathetic. ♪ The spud ♪ ♪ Spy ♪ ♪ Hi ♪ – [Jerry] Tater. Where the hell have you been? Come on, let’s go. – I’m nowhere. And I’m everywhere. – [Jerry] Oh, okay. – I have an idea for a potato. (exciting music) (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – Attention! Customer on deck! – Ahoy!
– Ahoy! – Welcome to the Potato Palace! This is our poop deck! – You are in grave danger! – What? – You have to listen to me. There is a great evil about in this mall. My half brother, Elmer, who’s an elf, is rummaging about! Whatever you do, if he enters your store, do not give him a potato. If you give him a potato, he will turn into something you’ve never seen before! Best be careful. Santa doesn’t know he’s here. – Okay. – This is the time of year that elves are getting up to mischief! – All right. – And that’s what he’s doing. He’s a rat bastard. – Okay. – Thank you.
– Thank you so much. – Tell him to (beeping) off. – Oh.
– Thanks. – Thank you.
– Thank you. – Are you gonna buy something? – No. – Then get off the ship.
– Please leave. – Thank you for the warning.
– Please leave. – Yes. – You just went overboard.
– Listen to my words. – I will. – Be careful, careful, careful! – Why is there smoke
coming out of his body? – They really need to just
close that adult daycare in the mall. – No, it’s insane. – He smelled like piss-piss. – Just double piss?
– Double piss. – I was thinking the same thing. (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – Gosh, okay. These old folks are just stressing me out. Sorry, everyone, I do need
a little hula hoop session. – Peter. The_
– Ooh! – The store’s open. – Frite! I need my room for the hula hoop! – Yeah, okay.
– This is important. I need my, my process has to be perfect. – Ahoy, you got it. – My process has to be perfect. My process has to be perfect. – [Frite] Okay. – It goes back a long way. It’s the one thing my dad left me before he departed. The state, he just, he found another wife, and I never saw him again. But he left me a hula hoop, and he said, “Peter, you’re
too angry all the time. Let loose with this bad boy.” And so I use it whenever I get angry. – Okay. How’s your day, Bob?
– It’s doing all right. – Okay, all right.
– Is the sign spinning more effective inside, or outside? – [Peter] Oh shit! – It’s more effective inside.
– Inside? – Yeah.
– Bob? – Inside. Yeah?
– Bob. My tie’s undone. – Oh! Sir! I must retie your ascot, sir! – Oh my god. – Hi. My name is Bob. I work here at Potato Palace, and not many people know this, but I am a potato. I’m a real potato, and
I became a real boy. My father-mother-captain,
the owner of Potato Palace, he took me when I was
just a little potato, and turned me into this. My original name was Potatochio, but that was kinda hard for people to get, so we just went with Bob. Don’t mash me. (laughing) No really, don’t say that to me, ‘cause that’s racist. – Okay.
– Guys. – Under and then over. Under and then I tie, and then-
– Is that good? – I think- (gasps)
– Is it good? – Oh my goodness.
– Customers. – Sir, it is perfect. – Customers. – Ahoy! Customers on deck!
– Ahoy. – Welcome to the Potato Palace! This is our poop deck! – Welcome to the Potato Palace. We have a giant classic baked potato, a giant double baked potato, and not your grandmother’s
sweet baked potato. Giant. – Are you just- – Oh, me? I’m currently disguised as Kirito, from Sword Art Online, the
season that didn’t suck. – Would you like a potato? We have many potatoes. They are much better than that Spud Hut down the way. – Yeah, way better, and way bigger.
– Way better. – Way better.
– Way bigger. – Way bigger.
– Way bigger. – Way better.
– Way bigger. – Way bigger.
– Way bigger. Way better.
– Way better. – Yes, I will be, (clears throat) I will be taking a potato, but I need to acclimate
to the space first. – Ahoy, new customer on deck! – Ahoy matey!
– Ahoy! – Welcome to the choppy
seas of Potato Palace! (bright upbeat music) – Please take in the poop deck. I can see that we have
another potato lover here. – Oh my god, I’ve heard all
about the Potato Palace! – [Bob] Uh-huh? – It’s all so cool! Look at how big your potatoes are! – We serve-
(chef speaking gibberish) Gigantic-
– What? – Yes. – I heard about it all
the way from Chefland, I’m from Chefland. Hello, hello. I am Chef Cook. – Hi. Big hands.
– Oh, thank you. It’s in the family. (call dialing) (cellphone vibrating) – Tatum. Where are you? – Sorry I’m late for my shift. – If you tell me your cat is sick again, that is not a good excuse. – Gus and I will be there shortly. – You should have already been here! Are you, are you at the Potato Palace? – Trust me. – Tater! I told you this was a bad idea! This is not how the Spud Hut operates! – At the Spud Hut, we don’t play dirty. We have an honor code. Always tell the truth,
always do your best. Always wear a smile. – We’re unrecognizable. – Okay, well just try
to find something good, if you’re gonna find something. – Copy that. – And don’t get caught! – Mission accepted! – See, you’re saying that, but I have a feeling this
is not gonna go well. – Find me if I’m dead. – Dead? – Bye. (phone beeping) – Why would she? Shrimp and grits is good. Shrimp and grits is a really good spud. – [Chef Cook] Oh, I’d
love a potato, please! – Would you like one of
our gigantic potatoes? – Of course! – Bob, Bob.
– Bob. – We need a second. Sir.
– Yeah. – Sir, we need a second.
– We need a second, yeah. – Okay.
– Okay, look. My informant told me that the Spud Hut is sending spies into our operation. – You’re still working
with that informant? He’s running from the law, Peter. – Well you know, he has
some good intel, okay? So I think this might be the guy. I mean, look at him. He’s got this crazy mustache. – He looks like a chef, but also- – And he goes- (speaking gibberish) I don’t think that’s a real accent. – True.
– You’re so right. – So be very careful with this man. – [Frite] Okay. – [Peter] I do not think
he is who he says he is. – Okay, well as long as they
order a potato, it’s fine. – Sir! Sir, get away from that table. – Yes? What do, why? It’s just a table in the corner, and I need to go by! – This is, there’s proprietary things. They’re our proprietary things. – Okay, okay, okay!
– Over here. – Okay! – Don’t look at the menu when you order.
– Okay. I have a question for you. – Yeah? – How do you get the potatoes so big? – How do we get the potatoes so big? I will have to- – Can I open my eyes, please? – Sir, that’s proprietary information. We cannot divulge that to you. – Would you like to order a potato, what’s your name? – I’m Chef Cook. – Chef Cook. – I would like to order, but I need to know how you
get the potatoes so big. – Sorry, your name is Chef Cook?
– Chef Cook? – Yes! – Hmm. – That’s my name. I need to know how you
get the potatoes so big. – I’m very familiar with
subterfuge, and espionage. I’ve done a little bit of it in my day. I’ve trained with somebody
who cooked for the seals. Seal team seven, specifically. And I don’t believe this man. I think he may be working for Spud Hut, and I want him out of my
store as soon as possible. – I just want to know. I love the potatoes. – I wanna tell you so bad! I wanna tell you so bad! – Then tell me!
– Bob. – Then tell me!
– Bob! Bob, Bob, Bob!
– Then tell me! – I can’t, Chef! – Bob! Bob, Bob!
– No. – Stop! Attention! At ease. Look. – No, you don’t do that.
– Get your stuff together. You’re stressing me out. I gotta, (groans) I gotta hula hoop.
– I’m sorry, sir. – I gotta hula hoop. – I never mean to stress the captain. – I’m so sorry, I gotta hula hoop. – Bob, just take his order. (Peter moaning) – Can I interest you in one of our Not So Grandma’s potatoes? – Yes. I would love whatever potato
you wanna put into me! – Perfect! – I’d love to know. These potatoes, are they regular? – Oh, they are thick and mighty. – I can tell. Look at these! But, they come from the ground? – Yes, most potatoes-
– Yes, of course they come from the ground.
– Come from the ground. – The ground. All of our potatoes come from the ground. – They come from a ground.
– No. – But we’re not gonna
divulge what kind of ground they come from. – No one here is a potato. – Nobody here is a potato? – No one here is a potato.
– No one here is a potato. – I’m not a potato! – I would never be one.
– You the potato? – Why would you say that?
– Chef Cook, 5.95. – 5.95? – We take payment in cash, as well as in Potato Wallet. – I don’t have money. – You have Venmo? – Eh, no. The ketchup. – Ketchup?
– Okay. – Ketchup?
– I have ketchup. – You have ketchup for money? – For the money, I have the CashApp. (Bob laughs)
– Oh, CashApp. (Bob laughing) – Oh no, he’s sick.
– So. – We have to just, he has to pay, and then he has to go. – Yeah, I agree.
– Yeah. – I agree. – But before I do, I want to know how you get the potatoes so big. – How we get the potatoes- – Potatoes so big.
– So big? – How’d they get so big? – So big.
– So big. – So big. – How do you get the potato- – Why do you-
– So big? – Mr. Chef Cook, why do
you need to know that? – Yeah, why do you care? – I have the love for the potatoes. – I do not believe you, sir. – I have the passion for the potatoes. – Look, ‘cause I know that this mustache- – No!
– Is fake! – No!
(Chef Cook screaming) No, it’s not! Peter, it’s not fake!
(Chef Cook screaming) Peter, it’s not fake! It’s totally real! – Okay, it might not be
a fake mustache, but- – Sorry, he-
– This man is fake. – I mean, you would take my mustache, and you pull it off of my place! This place is, that is mine! – That’s literally his spatula. He walked in with it. – Well we’re taking it! – Check the security camera. – I don’t check, this is a microphone! – No! – This is a microphone. He’s been spying on us.
– His hand. – I know this is a microphone.
– His hand. – It’s not a real spatula-
– His hand, his hand. – You need to leave.
– Wait! – His hand!
– You need to leave! – His hand!
– You need to leave! – All right, okay, okay! – You need to leave! – Potato! – You need to-
– Potato! – No! – Potato!
– Bye! – Thanks for coming to Potato Palace! – At ease. That’s good work. – That was-
(Peter sighs) A rough day at seas. – It’s just, I guess it’s disappointing that, um, that Jerry
just doesn’t trust me, because I feel like I, I feel like, (sighs) I don’t know, I just, these disguises are so good. Maybe I’m meant for,
like, undercover work, and not food processing. Service? Food service. – They wanna spy? Two can play at that game. – Yeah. What do you mean? – Watch this while I’m gone. – Who are you sending? – Myself. The only person I trust. – No, Peter. (upbeat beachy music) (magic shimmering) (Elmer chuckles) – Hi there, sir. Can I offer you a potato? – Yes, I would love a potato! – Oh! – I would love nothing more than a potato! – Wait a minute.
– You’re the elf brother, but your ears are … – Oh, shit. – Yeah, we heard about you. – Did my brother come by? He is an absolute rat bastard. I would not listen to anything he says! – Okay, that’s what he said about you. – Honestly, though, it’s very convincing. – Would you like a
potato at Potato Palace? – I would love nothing more than a potato! – Let me get you one. – [Elmer] Thank you, kind sir! – When I hand this to you,
you’re not gonna do evil magic? – Oh, absolutely not! – Would you swear on the Bible? – God, this place is so weird. – Yes. – Bob, don’t ask customers
to swear on Bibles. – No? – I would swear on the King James Bible. – Good enough for me.
– Oh, whoa. (Elmer laughs) All right, it’s 5.95. (Elmer laughing maniacally) – [Bob] Oh no! – I’m gonna pirate music now! – What?
– Oh, sick! – Oh, it’s 100% clear to me that they’re genetically
modifying those potatoes. That looks like it’s big enough to be, well, a small dog in a lady’s purse. You don’t need that. Life is about variety. I wanna eat 10 potatoes. I wanna eat popcorn shrimp, because it’s like having 100 lives. And if that doesn’t
make you feel powerful, I don’t know what will. – Get out! Get out! Get out! It’s 5.95. Would you like a combo? – [Elmer] (beeping) you! – Whoa! That elf just (beeping) swore at us. (beachy upbeat music) Bob. – Yeah? – Do you have a Bible in here? – Yeah, I do. I always keep a Bible in here. – In your fanny pack?
– Mm-hmm. It’s a miniature sized one. (Tater coughing) You hear that? – Yeah, I heard that. – I’m gonna check if it’s alive. (mini Bible thuds)
– Don’t. – [Tater] Ow! – Just leave it, okay? – Let’s do it.
– Shh! Augustus, shut up!
– Shut up. – I think you need to deal with this. – Yeah. Bob, can you go out back and take a cigarette break? – Yeah. Oh my god, I would love to. – Okay. – Oh, did you not know? Should I not talk about how much I smoke? – No.
– Oh. – Not at Potato Palace.
– Sorry. – I won’t tell Peter. – Exit’s this way. – Yeah, you smoke a lot. It’s kind of intense. – I’m a potato. (Frite sighs) – Can I talk to Tater alone? Yeah, I see you. – Why, this isn’t the loo – You can go. – I’m going to go find the shitter. – Bye, Augustus.
– Here I go! – See you later, Augustus. – Ah! Who is, oh, I’ll find him for you. Dodged! Fool. Smoke bomb. (makes whoosh sound) Shadow Clone Jutsu! – Sometimes, I hate this place. Hey Tater, can I talk to you? – I don’t know who Tater- – Tater.
– Is! – Cut the shit. – I’m looking for the loo as well! – It’s you, but with a British accent. – How’d you know it was me? – I just knew. I know your scent. I knew that was Tater
underneath that potato, and underneath that zip-up. I was like, that’s totally Tater. So. It was pretty obvious to me. Like, maybe it’s just ‘cause like, I knew, like here. But yeah. – This restaurant’s the
coolest thing I’ve ever seen. – I know. It is pretty cool. It’s a ship. I mean, it’s actually pretty awesome. Sometimes I don’t wanna work here, but then other times I’m like, I literally work on a
yacht, but not a yacht. – Look at all these pillows. – Yeah. We’ve got a lot of money. – How did you guys get all this money? – Do you really wanna know? – Yeah. – Okay. My parents. I’m, like, really, really rich. It sucks. – It sucks? – Yeah. So, my parents are fine people, we don’t really talk anymore, but essentially, they
betrothed me to Peter Parker, and they wanted me to
own this huge company called Potato Palace, and I
didn’t wanna do that at all. I really just wanted to be a sign spinner, so I said no to that, and they completely cut me off, so now, in spite of them, I’m a sign spinner for Peter Parker, and we’re not married. But he is still my boss. So, yeah. Joke’s on them. Screw them. – I’m gonna say something weird right now. – What? – Have you ever heard Ed
Sheeran’s “The Shape of You”? – Yeah. – “I’m in love with the shape of you. You push and pull like a magnitude. When a heart I’m feeling too. I’m in love with the shape of you.” I feel like maybe I
have a crush on someone, and I’m already kind of
naturally a little quirky, but when I have feelings for somebody, I feel like I’m a little
weirder, which is not good. I don’t know why those
lyrics just came to my mind. – Whoa, that’s crazy that
you just said that right now. – Why? – Because I was literally
listening to Ed Sheeran. The song where the woman loses her legs? She’s, like, old. And he’s like, “When your legs don’t work like they used to.” It’s so weird. I’ve been listening to
all these love songs, and. How are you after your breakup, I guess? – It’s crazy. Every time I hang out with
you, you ask me how am I. I’ve never really thought about it. – No one’s asked you how you are? – Never. Never. I’m fine. I hated this guy, anyway. It was kind of more of
just a situationship. – Oh yeah, the eggplant guy? – Yeah. – God, he’s such a (beeping) boy. – I don’t know why I
keep dating in the mall. It’s so complicated. Like, I just wanna like- – Well, there’s nothing super wrong dating in the mall. – No, everyone in the mall is, like, in a (censored) up costume. No one really talks about why this mall has such big themes. Like every restaurant
has such a big theme. Like, you guys really
didn’t have to go all out in the yacht, like what’s the poop deck? – It’s French for the front of the deck. – Whoa. – It’s poupe deck. – You really are rich. – I know, I’m really rich. I grew up on champagne and
chocolate covered strawberries. But, like I hate it. – Yeah. – I don’t want it. I don’t want to be rich. I just wanna be normal. I don’t know. Maybe I went too far, like I started telling her about my life and my family, which
is like a total secret. And maybe I revealed too much. Anyways, I don’t know. It’s crazy, it’s crazy. It doesn’t matter. She listens to Ed Sheeran, too. Who does that? Who else listens to Ed Sheeran? I just find that so rare. You know? I can tell that you’re hurting. – We’re going too fast. – I’m not going anywhere. – We’re not even supposed
to be talking right now. – You came and spied on me. – ‘Cause you spied on me first! – Because I had to! You guys were being crazy! – You guys are crazy too! Your potatoes are huge! – I know, they’re huge, because- – This is a normal size of a potato. – I know. (pulse thumping)
(bright magical music) – Whoa. Did you feel that spark? – Yeah. – That was crazy. No dude, that was crazy. – See? – Quick! – What? – Our coworkers! – Oh, shoot. – Dude, gonna be honest,
I respect the spy thing. – Yeah, thank you very much. I, um, appreciate you not
blowing my cover earlier. (Augustus chuckles) I’m sorry, um. Yuki. Um. – Yes. This is my boss Peter
Parker’s wife Miss Yuki. – Wife? – Yeah, wife. Wifu? Wife- – Oh, thank god. – I think he means you-wife. I don’t know what it means. – Oh thank god. No, I just mean, um. Yuki, you’re doing well. You’re looking great. I’m very normal. – Oh, you and Yuki have history? – Yeah, well, you can say that. But thankfully, time is cyclical, and perhaps, sometimes
history becomes the future. God, running into your
ex is awkward enough. Disguise or not, I knew
she could feel my aura. Doesn’t look like she’s
being washed right. Gotta use Woolite! – It was kinda strange. I didn’t know that him and Captain had, like, a weird threesome,
or triangle relationship with Miss Yuki, but honestly, I’m into it. I think love is love, and you can love whatever you want, or whomever you want. Or whatever vegetable you want. That’s what I believe. – Yes, Yuki and I used to be an item, but no longer. And it’s fine, I can’t control someone, let alone whether they’re
a pillow or a person. I would never use my
hands to move them about. Yuki, I just want you to be happy, even if it’s here, even if it’s here at the Potato- (retches) (Augustus groaning) – I wanna thank you for opening up to me. – Yeah. – That took a lot to reveal a secret. – No worries. – They cannot know we’re talking. – I don’t fricking care. I don’t even care! – If Jerry finds out I’m
friends with you, my, it’s over for me! – Tater, why? Do you live in fear at Spud Hut? – Ow. Ugh, classic me. Liking something ‘cause I can’t have it. That’s the human condition, right? Is this going all the time, this mic? (bright beachy music) – Can I reveal a secret to you? – About potato size? Yes, actually. (Bob sighs) – No one at Potato Palace
really respects me. – Oh, what? – I have so many good ideas, and no one listens to me at all. Like, look at this one right here. Okay, Potato Wallet. It’s so useful, and it’s also food, and it’s also where you put your money that you pay for the food. Right?
– I love that. – It makes sense. – Because you use the money
to pay for the potato, and then you put the potato in the wallet, and it becomes a potato Potato Wallet. – Exactly, and no one’s gonna steal a half-baked potato wallet. – That’s recidivism. You basically make what you put in. – Mm-hmm. – Baby, that’s an economy. I don’t get why people are
having an issue with that. – Thank you for seeing
how poignant my conversion of capitalism and communism together in one potato could be. – Hey man. Government, it’s not my thing. Me, I live outside the law. So why don’t you just
do what you’re gonna do, and let’s all enjoy delicious food. – I love that you always
have snacks with you. – Do you wanna have snacks with me too? – Yeah, can you put
them in my potato shoes that also double as tiny little bowls? – Oh, I love that! – Right? Isn’t that such a great idea? Imagine, you’re a child,
two to four in age. You have no shoes, but you have potato. Now you have shoes. – Yeah! Or imagine you’re a 28-year-old man. You once again wake up in your own bed, naked, uncertain of
what time or day it is, you get up, and you’re
already stepping on food on the ground, why not make it on purpose? – Wow. Dude, Augustus was, like, really cool when he was listening
to me and my inventions. I showed him my potato moccasins, and he honestly thought that
they would be a great idea. – (sighs) When it comes to Bob, war has always divided the great thinkers of our generations. He may be an inventor, as I am, so he has my respect, but I can’t let that get in the way of what
is essentially a battle. – (sighs) You’re really complicated. – So are you. – Really? – I’ve never met a rich person before. – Yeah. We’re pretty wild. But we’re also really soft inside. Whatever. And no one to really talk to, ‘cause my parents completely disowned me, ‘cause I don’t want to be rich. – You don’t wanna be rich? That’s so bad, whoa. – Uh, yeah. Don’t even touch that. You don’t wanna put your hands in that. – [Tater] What’s this bucket? – It’s, don’t touch it! It’s old sand. – It’s old sand? – Yeah. It’s kinda how we get our potatoes so big. Whatever, don’t even worry about it. I shouldn’t even be telling you that. This is crazy. You do something to me! (Frite laughing) You do something to me, it’s crazy! (Tater laughing) You’re, like, in my head! – Just laugh! – You’re in my head! – Doesn’t it feel good to laugh? – It does, actually.
(Tater laughing) – I’m like, do I only
have a crush on Frite because, like, she’s on enemy grounds? She’s the enemy, you know what I mean? Like, do I just like it ‘cause it’s wrong? Like Jerry would freak out. – Can I share one more thing I’ve never shared with anyone? – Sure. – I’m a potato boy. – What’s that? – I’m a potato boy. My real name is Potatocchio. I go by Bob. – What does that mean, so I understand the individual words, but never in that order before. What does potato boy mean? – I was born a potato. Then, I remember my first memory. My father holding me close. And then my second memory. I work at Potato Palace. – Oh, so you were born
into a life of labor? – Yeah. – Well, I guess we all were, just with more steps. Hey man, I don’t judge you. You’re a potato. On the inside, you got starch, on the outside, you got skin. Me, personally, I got skin and doctors say I’m mostly starch. (Bob laughs) – On the outside, I’m
also covered in eyes. Look. – I got two. Oh, dead ass. That’s actually pretty cool. – Yeah, what’s really cool
is ‘cause I’m a potato, if you take one of those off
and put it in the ground, you’ll grow another me. – Mm. I don’t think I’ll do that. – Jerry’s broke. – I know. – How did you know? – Because your potatoes suck ass. – Don’t say that! – But it’s true. (cellphone vibrating)
They’re tiny! – Oh shit. – What? – Speak of the devil! I have to pick this up, but it was really good to laugh. – It was really good to laugh. – Oh. – Sorry. I have really strong
hands from sign spinning. – Just be as quiet as you can. – Okay, I’ll be as quiet as I can. I’m trying to be just quiet. Literally be quiet. Not talking. – Hello? – Tater! We are opening in two minutes! Where are you? – I’ll be there in a second! – Well, did you find anything good? – Yes, I think. – You think? Okay, well just, you know what? I’m coming to get you. I’m coming to get you.
– Don’t! – I’m coming to get you!
– Don’t! – Yeah. (Tater groans) – Bitch! – Yeah, bitch! – Bitch!
– Bitch! – Bitch. – Tater, I don’t know. She’s a sign spinner, obviously, and she just seemed kind of hurt. I don’t know. She also, like, I feel like I could
trust her a little bit, which is crazy, ‘cause
I don’t trust anyone, like, I don’t. But, I have this, I guess it’s not really magic, but it’s like a skill set that I have. I can tell when people are good, or bad, and I could tell right
away that she was good. – So what’s the deal with,
like, your boss is your dad? That’s gotta suck. – He’s my dad and also my mom. – All right. – It’s kind of difficult to describe, but- – Well, there’s no wrong
way to make a family. That’s what I always say. – I think he came on a potato and then put me in a bucket of sand. – (sighs) I feel like I’ve done that, and I don’t have any potato sons. That can’t be right. – This is butter. – Okay, I keep wondering what that is. – Yeah, it’s a big slab of butter. And these are chives. – You’re so lucky. I know you can’t-
(Jerry gasping) – Get out of here! (Jerry gasps) – It’s not what you think!
– Get out! – What the hell? – [Jerry] You too, Augustus! – Oh yeah! – God, I hate older men! They suck! – Sorry, duty calls. He’s not my dad, but. You’d give this to me? – [Bob] I would. Bye, Augustus. – Bye, Bob. – Don’t tell anyone I’m a potato. – I’ll always love you. Goodbye, Yuki. I just want you to be happy. – It was really cool
meeting Augustus today. Like, that dude is a complete blast. I don’t know why everyone says
he smells like half and half. (bright upbeat music) – I thought I told you both not to go and sneak into the Potato Palace! – Oh no, Jerry, you have
no idea what we found out. – What?
– Yeah. – Let’s make sure the area’s safe. Okay, good. – It’s worse than you could ever expect. That body pillow he’s
got there is my ex, Yuki. He’s keeping her in terrible conditions. – Oh! – He’s not using the cold wash at all, nor is he using soft
detergent, like Woolite. It’s clear that he’s used Tide. You can’t do that. It’s two-way tricot! – It’s crazy what having
a crush will make you do. What? – You have a- – I think they’re genetically
modifying the potatoes! – Oh yeah, that too. Yeah. So pretty much-
– What? How? – Well they’re the size of a small dog. We think they’ve been
spliced or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. – So, Frite was explaining it, and I think what it is, it’s a sand, it’s a sand that they’re
adding to the potatoes to make them bigger, ‘cause the potatoes are, like, three sizes our potatoes. And I think the sand is from a TV show. And it’s making the
potatoes, I don’t know. I don’t know this stuff. AI does everything now. – That’s against Potato State Fair rules. – State fair rules, I was gonna say. – And they’re, what was that whole thing about the sand? – I thought it was a metaphor for, like, time.
(sign clattering) – Oh. Oh, uh, excuse me. Excuse me? Excuse me? We- – We’ve never had a janitor. I always clean.
– No, yeah. – And your collar’s kind of off. – That’s right.
(all gasp) it’s me, Peter Parker,
of the Potato Palace. – Oh! – I’ve infiltrated your organization. – Oh my god. Oh my god! That is highly illegal! – I don’t care. – Well, it’s me! – We all knew it was you. – They knew it was you. You look like 8 Mile with liver spots. – That’s a good movie. What are you doing here? – Yeah! – Yeah, Peter Parker! This was already my job and now it’s personal now, on account of Yuki. – Yuki’s in much more capable hands now. – Yeah right. – I want you to back off. She’s mine. – If you take care of her like you take care of yourself, she’s in trouble. What are you, early 20s? You look like you eat cigarettes. – He’s probably not interested in her, on account of him being gay. – Nice. No wrong way to love. – We heard you were genetically modifying your potatoes with sand! – Yeah! We know you use ChatGPT! – Yeah, it’s the sand
from the Shyamalan movie, the sand that makes you old. – Okay. – And that’s why you look bad. – Now I’ve heard a lot
of outrageous rumors about us growing potatoes in sand, and I think that is a
complete fabrication. We would never grow potatoes in sand, and I would like if
people would stop asking about the sand that we keep in our store. We’re not growing potatoes in it, and you should stop asking about it. How about that? How about that? I know you’re all stupid, but this is really, you’re
outdoing yourselves. Sand? Sand for potatoes? This is why you’re losing. You have no idea what
making a good potato is. This is why Potato Palace
will always be on top. I’m sick of this. – Funny, ‘cause you look
like a bottom to me. – Sick. – Nice, dude. You got jacked, bitch. – Gay! – What are you even doing here? – Well, I was doing some recon, seeing if I had competition
at the state fair, but it’s clear I have
nothing to worry about. Also you have a booger in your nose. – Oh. Is it a cute booger? – Yeah, oh, I’m gay, but you have a booger in your nose, so. – Tatum, do I have a booger- – Happy? – Don’t focus on that- – You don’t scare me.
– Focus on the booger! Focus on the booger! – I know Krav Maga.
– I can’t- – I can rip your balls off. – What if I told you I don’t have balls. – I don’t believe you. – That makes two of you. That makes two of you. Nice, got him. Fucking got jacked, dude. – I’m pathetic! There’s nothing you could do to me. – Look, your emotions do not affect me. I look at things rationally
and logically, okay? You’re a loser. – Hey! She’s not a loser. She’s pathetic. – And you’re a loser for hiring whatever this is. – Hey!
– Hey! – I’m not a loser!
– I’m a loser! – And you? You shoulda treated Yuki better. – That’s enough, okay? We’re not putting up
with your shit anymore! This is war! (dramatic music) This is famine? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Potato famine coming your
way really quick, buddy. – And this is pestilence,
‘cause we’re gonna swarm you with potatoes. – Oh yeah. – And it’s gonna be
dark like a nightshade. – Well if it’s war you want, it’s war you’ll get. (dramatic music) You won’t even see it coming. – Consider us freaking Space Force. – Literally. We make real potatoes.
– Yeah. – You have computers make your potatoes. – Yeah. – Sand, and computers, and dust. And you’re gay. – Sand becomes silicone. – And maybe I am, too. – You should look-
(chomping at hand) You should look into medication. I’m gonna get outta here. This place still smells like hog water, and you still have a booger in your nose. – Is it still there? Is it really there? I can’t believe he would stoop so low, and spy on me. It’s not right, and he doesn’t know what’s coming to him. Jerry Spruce has some vengeance. (tense dramatic music) (bright upbeat music) What’s the deal with the sand? – I don’t know, I was focusing on Frite. Frite. – What?
– I don’t know. – Frite? The summon from all the
Final Fantasy series? – No, the sand- – I can get it for you. – How does that work?
(Mikey panting) (air horn blows)
(all groaning) – Oh! Dude. You guys, it’s me,
Mikey, from the Yam Yurt. – Oh, you probably don’t know it’s me. – Oh, shit! – It’s Tater.
– Tater! I didn’t recognize. Anyways, guys, I was doing some recon. I was following that gay milkman over at the Potato Palace. They’re genetically
modifying their potatoes. They’re putting the sands of time in them. It’s the sand from the
beach that makes you old, so they put in the potatoes to age them faster than most potatoes need to be aged! – Is that legit what was going on? That was a straight up guess.
– It’s going on. I saw it happening with my own eyes, and it was almost like, I was almost looking at
the Arc of the Covenant. I almost felt like I was gonna melt. – Whoa. – That’s crazy. – I wish you would have. – That’s why, even though that guy from the Potato Palace, he’s 22, but he looks like he’s, like, a rough 38. – I literally said that- – Anyway, Mikey, get the (beeping) out. – What? – You helped us, okay? – After I just helped you? – Are you gonna be at
the CRV meetup later? – Yeah.
– All right. – I am.
– I’ll see you soon. – I’ll bring what’s
essentially my baby, my CRV. But also, I have a kid. – You said you didn’t.
– You said you didn’t. – I have a kid. – Are we talking, is
this a bait and switch where it’s a baby goat? – No, it’s a full on kid. – What’s its name? – It? Don’t speak about my son. – Well, it hasn’t grown up
and told you its gender yet, so you can’t (beeping), we don’t know. – You’re so right. – Do you guys think
people could be in love even though they’re on opposite sides? – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Yeah. – [Augustus] In fact, it makes it hotter. – Anyways, I lied.
– What? – I don’t have a kid.
– Okay. (beeping) – I knew it! He did it again!
– Can you just, can you just leave?
– Get out! – All right, I’ll get out! (Mikey blows raspberry)
– No! – You seriously need to get a blood test! – Okay! Okay, this is good! We have a way to take down Potato Palace. I mean, they’re cheating. They’re gonna get disqualified, if we can just prove
that they’re cheating. – That’s right. When someone breaks a rule in America, they’re immediately disqualified. – Yeah. – And that never changes. – Yes.
– Yeah. – We got this. – Competitions are fair. – Yeah.
– Yeah. (Jerry grunts) (Jerry grunts) (Augustus grunting) – Oh. – Put your noses in. – Put your-
– Whoa, we doing this? – Put your noses in. – Okay. – What is this? Tater? – I don’t know, I saw it in a thing. – Okay. (Tater exhales) – Let’s go. (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! (soft tense music) – Peter doesn’t know what’s gonna hit him. I’ve got the best idea
yet, sweet potatoes! We could have cinnamon,
sugar, or a creme brulee. – That actually smells bomb. I think we’re onto
something a little bit, but- – Just a little more sugar. – I’m always a fan of
more sugar, but like- – Oh look, look, look, look! It’s bubbling up! – It doesn’t smell good, Jerry! – Come on, you’ve never had fine dining! – Listen. I’m all for gluttony, okay? And I’m all for experimenting with food, but you’re not doing it
for the love of the game. You’re not doing it
because it’s delicious, you’re doing it with anger in your heart, and your food’s gonna taste that way. – But we gotta win! – I know. – We gotta win at all costs! – That’s why we kill him. Or something else, I don’t know, Plan B. – No killing. – Could you tell with the costume that I’m pulling my wedgie out? – Yeah, we can tell. Your arm is behind you, Tatum. – But the costume’s so big you can’t tell? – No, we can tell. There’s a movement.
– Can you tell? – There’s a digging movement- – Okay, it’s game time! It’s game time! – That’s right.
– Okay. – What’s something we could give to them that isn’t violent-
– Crabs. – Like RIP Carmie, with the bullets. Something that’s a nuisance. – I can’t listen to you when
you’re pulling out your wedgie. It’s rude. You need to go to the bathroom- – How can you tell I’m doing it? – Because your arm is completely
behind you, and you’re- – You can’t tell! – I can tell, we can tell! Can you tell? – Yeah, do you need a hand? – We can tell. – No, I don’t want you to touch my ass! – I’m sorry for offering. – August, you (beeping)
psycho (beeping) path! – I, jeez Louise. You’re burning potatoes, you’re digging for gold in your ass crack. I say we flipping do this thing! (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – We should just prank them. Like sneak in and do
something crazy to ‘em. – You were showing me pictures of all your weird (beeping) creatures that you like to collect. – Oh yes, I got lots of creatures. – What if we released some
of Augustus’ creatures into their place? – What kind of creatures do you have? – I’ve just got a bunch of bugs, like an infestation situation. – Oh. – Bugs.
– Bugs could work. – I do have crickets. – Crickets will work. Crickets are good. That’s like a plague! – Oh yeah, ‘cause it’s not
locust or cicada season. Crickets are close.
– Crickets are close. – They got those chirpy little legs. – Let’s go get these crickets. Come on! – Yeah, let’s go eat people. – Did you drive here? – Uh, yeah, in a sense. – What do you mean, innocence? – I have a bike.
– Oh. Can I hop on the back, or no? – Yes. – Tatum, are you picking
your wedgie again? – No, I’m locking up! I don’t know how to turn the lights off. It’s usually not my department. I just do the Facebook. (bright upbeat music) (rooster crowing) – Attention!
– Ahoy! – Customer on deck! Ahoy!
– Ahoy! – Sorry, I was walking by the restaurant, and I saw you from the window, and let me tell you, that’s a potato. – Me?
– Okay. – I know a potato when I see one, and that’s a potato! – What? – That’s a potato! – That’s so-
– Why would you say that? – There’s a potato in here! – Ma’am, that’s really rude. That’s not a potato, that’s Bob. He’s our line cook.
– This is Bob. – I’m Bob.
– You’re a real boy. – Are you gonna get a potato or not? – I don’t want a potato! I don’t like potatoes! – [Both] Then why are you in here? – ‘Cause that’s a potato,
and I don’t like a potato! Oh! – Ma’am, I will give you my watch if you just don’t tell
anyone what you saw today. – Stop. – It’s a perfect handmade watch. – No.
– Stop. – No! – You keep that nasty little watch- – No, your power- – On your wrist.
– Please. – I’ve got my $5-
– All right. – CVS wristwatch that is gorgeous and matches my eyes. – Ma’am, if you’re not gonna buy anything, I have to escort you out of the premises. This is a potato establishment. If you’re not here to buy potatoes or eat potatoes, you need to leave the establishment right now. – Well I am offended, and I will call whoever I need to call to make sure that this potato is
taken back underground. – Ma’am, please leave. Please leave. – You’ll have to drag me out of here, ‘cause I’m not leaving ‘til
this potato is tato’ed. – Bob, drag her. Bob?
– Uh. – Here, I-
– Drag her. – You’re having the potato
take me out of here? – Ma’am, come with me! – No!
(Frite screams) Ow! – What is happening in this mall? – He’s a potato? See, I told you that boy’s a potato! I saw it. – I’ve taken care of the customer, sir! – Bob.
– At ease. – What’s all the potato talk? You don’t have to give up your watch that your grandfather got you. (Peter clears throat) All right, Peter. – Oh, new customer on deck! – Ahoy!
– Ahoy! – I’m not a customer.
– Welcome to Potato Palace! Huh? – I’m a health inspector. – Oh, he’s here to inspect the poop deck. Uh, the poupe deek.
– The poupe deck. – You should not have
called it the poupe deek. – I’ve, um, always wanted to cosplay, so this disguise was really fun for me. You mind if I look around, or? – Sure, what is your-
– Yeah, of course. – Can I see your-
– What do we got? – Tartar sauce.
– Yup. – Credentials right here. – Everything’s all-
– Right over here. – Nice.
– Credentials. – I’m sorry, it just
says, “Health inspector”? – Yup. Says what it is. Says what it is. (Jerry laughing maniacally) Right over here. What is this? – This is our tablet. This is how we charge people. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – So I’ll tap it. – So who’s touching this? – Only Bob touches it. – Well, we do have them touch it when we ask them for a $10 tip. – And these are, holy shit. – These are huge.
– Oh my god. (beeping) What the? That is, like, 10, 12 inches. Yeah, it’s a Viking ship. We modeled it after a Viking ship. – [Bob] That’s called the Vossa potato. – Yeah.
– Yeah. It’s a Vossa. It’s where, you know where they get buried and they go to Valhalla? – Yeah.
– That’s the ship? – They get what? – If you’re truly a health inspector, then what is code 53B, uh, section 53? – You’re smart, sir.
– That is a great question. All meats must be kept at
least two feet off the ground. – Did you see when Augustus and I took the crickets and shat
them out of our mouths? (Tater laughs) Got ‘em! – Are you planning on serving these potatoes over here? – No. – That’s sand and you should
not be looking at that sand. – Well why is it out? – Uh, don’t even worry about it. – Yeah, it’s, anyways. Don’t even worry about it. Hey, do you want a
potato, to try a potato? – [Bob] We’d love to give you a potato. – [Frite] We have a really good special. – [Peter] We’d give you a potato for free. – Oh. (cricket chirping)
(Frite gasps) Um. – Whoa, whoa!
– What is this? – You guys, that cricket-
– Insect on deck! – That is a health code-
– Crunch it up, sir! – Ew! – Eliminate it!
– Ew! – Back up! Kill the bug! Kill the bug!
– I think you got it, Bob. – What people won’t tell you is that a bunch of crickets
in an enclosed space smells absolutely terrible. And I think that’s just a testament to my ability to maintain stealth. – Once he’s activated, you can’t stop him. Oh. – [Frite] He also did Irish dancing. He did Riverdance for a long time. Ew!
– You guys. – Ew!
– This place if infested. (Frite screams) I’m gonna be honest.
– Oh my god! – This place is a mess!
– This is disgusting! – No, this is all normal! (Frite screams) – You’ve not only failed
your health inspection, you’ve failed this prank!
– You’ve been pranked! – You just lost the game, and you’re all gay crickets! – Yeah! Pranked now. Oh, nice costume. Hope there’s no crickets in there. Oh god, oh god! Run! Shadow Clone Jutsu! – Get out! – So the Spud Hut team, they came over to Potato Palace, and they, like, they totally threw a bunch
of crickets everywhere, and I think they think that’s funny, but it’s really (beeping) up, because if you think about it, like, I’m a potato, and
locusts are close to crickets, and locusts eat the (beeping) out of us. It’s like really not cool. I guess they got us pretty good. (laughs) – I hate them. – I think I learned
that I don’t like pranks when they’re played on me. Bob! Get my hula hoop. – Sir, yes, sir! Stress hula hoop! – This is disgusting. (crickets chirping) Okay, Peter, you have to tell me when you’re gonna hula hoop right next to my face. Peter. (Peter panting) – [Bob] It’s okay, sir. (Peter roaring) – I guess I’ll start
cleaning up the crickets. – I’m finished. – Ew! (bright upbeat music) – Yes!
– Yes! – That was sick!
– So much mischief! – I never felt so alive!
– Yeah! – Yes, yeah! Feel it! You were awesome in there!
– Yeah! – Oh yeah, you were like-
(Tater grunting) – The way they were jumping! They were like, mm! – That felt so good!
– Yes! – We released all those crickets, and they’re gonna look stupid! – They’re gonna look stupid! – We released their inhibitions, they’re gonna feel the rain
of crickets on their skin. – Honestly, I’ve never
felt hotter in my life. – What if we, no.
– What? What if we all what? – What if we all kissed?
– Come on! – Kissed?
– Yes. – No, we’re not kissing.
– No, no. – That’s very much- – Okay, I was gonna not say it, and then you said it.
– Stop. – Well I didn’t, you suggested it, which I thought was weird. – Whoa!
– What? Oh my god. – [Augustus] I knew this would happen. – Holy! – Who left a potato out? – [Jerry] What the heck is this? – What a stupid ass prank! They think this is how they got us? – [Jerry] They just
delivered a cardboard potato? – Hold on a second.
– What? You’re-
– Who’s who? – This one’s way bigger than you are. – [Augustus] Yeah, it’s
bigger than you, for sure. – [Tater] What a dumb ass (beeping) prank! They’re so stupid! – They didn’t even get us.
– They look so dumb. – Oh my! Hey! (Bob gasps) – [Augustus] Ah, beans! – That’s right. We’ve infiltrated your
organization yet again. – My signs! – You’ll never recover from this. – I, whoa, you- – How will you ever get
another customer here when it proclaims that you are dumb? – I am not dumb! – I think we won the prank war. What did they do, release some insects in my restaurant? You just gave me a new
idea for a potato, dumbass. – Give me that marker if you
know what’s good for you. (Tater gasping) Bob. The marker, please. If you’ve ever had any
respect for me, the marker. There you go-
– Too slow. (Tater screams)
– Oh! Oh no. Oh, she needs some sugar. – No, you can’t do that! Stop. – [Augustus] You misspelled “porcupine”. – Sir, do we need a distraction? – I don’t know, I didn’t
prepare for this contingency. – I’ll use our escape potatoes! – Yes!
(Bob roars) What was that supposed to do? Oh, pshh. I’m sorry, I do need that marker back. – Nope. – That’s on loan.
– Nope. – That’s on loan. I do need that back. – You need this marker right here? – I do need it, I’m gonna call the cops. I’m gonna call the cops. – She’s not breathing! – I’m gonna call the cops, and I’m not gay. – I’m gonna throw it. – Don’t, please don’t.
– Here I go. Do you want it?
(marker clatters) Go get it, fetch! – Wake up!
– Fetch, go get it! – Wait.
– No, no! That’s not it! I didn’t put it right there. – Don’t leave on me! Look at what you did! – I hope she’s dead. – I hope you’re happy! ♪ I hope you’re happy now ♪ ♪ I hope you’re happy with
your gay little shorts ♪ – What are you doing right now? ♪ And little ascot ♪ ♪ I hope you’re happy ♪ ♪ That she’s dead ♪ (Peter sighs) Tatum! She needs more marshmallows! ♪ I believe in you ♪ ♪ And always ♪ – Is this normal? ♪ As I know ♪ (Tater spits) Oh! (Jerry coughs) Oh. – The gay milkman!
– It’s a miracle! – The fact that they played that dirty, they’re gonna regret it! – I’m done with this, I’m done. I’m done. – What happened to the signs? – I fixed it, look. “Peeled, get in my mouth. 100% pork!” – What have these spuds brought us to? We can’t keep going on like this! It’s not worth it! I quit. (dramatic music) I quit! – Jerry, you can’t quit! (Tater yelps) – I give up!
(dramatic music) I give up, it’s not worth it! You know, I can take the apron, I can take the freakin’ hat. Can someone untie this? – You see what you did! You see what you did! You see what happened? You’re the ugliest man I’ve ever seen! – I’m not a man, I’m a boy! (Tater yelps) I’m 22. I only look old. – Jerry, come back! I’ve never seen Jerry like that. How dare they mess with our signs? Jerry, come back! (Tater sobbing)
– There, there. ♪ When the potato is
the last in the bunch ♪ – Stop it. Stop it. Please, stop it.
♪ When the potato ♪ ♪ Is all you’ve had for lunch ♪ – Shh! (Tater sobbing) Look at us. This isn’t over yet. – No. – I’m gonna do something about this. – Yeah. – You hold down the shop!
– I’ll stay here! You hold down the, you go get ‘em! – I am pathetic! – And we are together! (bright upbeat music) – Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! (beeping) (beeping) Ew! (Tater grunting) Hey! What are you doing? – Jerry quit! None of this was gonna happen before the stupid Potato Palace! – Were you literally just
about to cut the hula hoop? – Yeah! Right after I put the crickets everywhere! – I think that you should just go, Tater. – Why am I doing this? I don’t know what’s happening to me! – I don’t know what you’re doing. You literally messed up-
– Well what are you doing? – I’m fixing the store that you- – What are you doing?
– Completely (beeping) up! – I Googled you. – Why? – Ever since you guys came into our lives, you’ve made Jerry, who was family to me, you made him lose his mind, and I’ve never seen him like that! He looks so ugly when he cries! And it’s because of you! – He was ugly! He was already ugly! – And when you told me that you were rich, I thought, I don’t
know, maybe I’m gonna do a little Google searching, and I did, and this whole time
you said you were rich, but you didn’t say you
were a nepotism baby! – Don’t say that! I don’t like that word! – I know it, and you know it, and none of them know it. They don’t know anything.
– You don’t know anything. – But now they know. – You don’t know anything. – That Frite is the Duchess! – Shh! – Of the Lays Potato-
– Shh! – Industry! – Shut up, Tater! I don’t go by that! That’s not who I am! I am not a Duchess! I already told my family that I don’t want anything to do with the Lays! I don’t wanna do anything
with the frickin’ Lays Potato Chips! And I know everyone wants
to eat them on the beach, and it’s awesome! And you can have salt and vinegar, but I don’t care! I just wanna be a (beeping) sign spinner and live a normal life! Why did you Google me? I trusted you! – To be fair, I didn’t
Google the last boy- – You just-
– I didn’t- – You just said you Googled me. – Let me- – You literally just said you Googled me. – Let me finish.
– Fine. – To be fair, I didn’t Google
Barney, my last boyfriend. And then I didn’t realize that he has a public urination violation, and ever since then, I didn’t know that. – I think you should just go. – I keep thinking being
pathetic is a good thing, but then look at what being pathetic does. I just tried to cut a hula hoop. You know how hard it
is to cut a hula hoop? – Yeah, I do. – The actress told me I was pathetic, so I tried to own it,
like all the divas do when they own their flaws. So I was like, oh, I’m pathetic, and ever since you came,
ever since I met you, and I smelled your Pantene hair, I just, it made me feel weird things, and I was like, oh, I’m
pathetic and I have a crush, and I, oh. – What? You know I use Pantene Pro V? – And I know it’s two in one. – Listen, Tater. I know this is crazy. But I wanna be pathetic, too. (beeping) being a Duchess. (beeping) having all
the money in the world and literally being able to go to Italy whenever I want. I don’t want that. – Italy? – I just wanna be pathetic like you, because it sounds free. Also, I have this really cool thing where I can read if
people are good and bad, and like, you were bad, but I feel like you’re
turning back to good. I was, like, going through
a crazy amount of emotions. Like, at first I was like,
how could you do this, Tater? Like, you put crickets all over the shop, and then the next second, I told Tater everything. – I was pretty bad when
I first walked in here. Look at your restaurant. It’s covered in crickets ‘cause of me. – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t touch it. Oh, that reminds me. I got you something. – Me? – Yeah. – But we’re on enemy sides. We’re two warring gangs. – I don’t even know why I’m
doing this for you anymore. I really don’t. I just, I must be sick in the head. This potato is the
Vikings Valhalla potato, and it’s been sold out for weeks. – What’s it called? – Vikings Valhalla. And I saved it for you. Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I frickin’ like you, and I don’t know why, because you’re the enemy, and you just put crickets everywhere, and you Googled me, and I trusted you. – I asked you an important question. – No, I can’t get you a
lifetime supply of Lays. – Are you gay? (soft music) – Yes. – Could we start from the beginning? – Yeah. – And meet just like
people, not like potatoes on warring gangs? (Frite sighs) I’m Tater. – I’m Frite. And I’m gay. – I’m gay. I’m gonna have a bite,
but don’t tell anyone. If Jerry finds out that I like you, or like anything
associated with the Potato- – He’ll never find out. He’ll never find out. There was a cricket on there. Your hands look like
they’ve been in a trash bag. – That’s the way my hands have looked since I was a baby. – That’s so pathetic. – I’m really excited. That was a conversation I
would never have with Barney. It was like listening and responding. Who would have thought? – Take the potato. – I can’t. Hey!
– Hey! – I just wanted to get
one last look at ya. Ah. I love that smile. – We had a conversation, and we’re together. (Frite laughs) It’s so wild to say that out loud, like, we’re together. ♪ When your legs don’t work ♪ ♪ Like they used to before ♪ ♪ And I can’t sweep you off of your feet ♪ (Frite spits) That is disgusting. (bright upbeat music) – Okay, okay. – I can’t do this! – Shh! – Is that a potato? – I don’t know, have you ever, I don’t know how to take care of somebody. Shh!
– Oh, why? – Jerry, come on.
– Oh, I can’t do it. – You can’t give up now.
– I’m not good enough. – No, you’re good enough.
– No. – The state fair is coming. Augustus, a little help? – A quarter note becomes an eighth, an eighth becomes a
sixteenth, and on and on! – Okay, Augustus is having
some sort of a manic episode. – He’s okay.
– And so are you! – I can’t even- – And this is not a good time! Come on, come on. Come on!
– What is that? – It’s potatoes! – Put down my pot!
– Come on! – Hey, put down my pot!
– You think banging on stuff is how to get someone out of a manic episode?
– Come on! Don’t mess with the pot!
– You’re supposed to slap ‘em. – Come on, we’re so close
to the state fair, Jerry. You can’t give up now, okay? You can’t have a crisis of
confidence right now, okay? – I can’t do it! Look at my menu! (Jerry sobbing) – I’m so close to cracking
this potato taste. – This is stupid. This is all stupid! – No! Don’t, don’t throw the potatoes. It’s okay! It’s okay. – Wait! Did you see that shit? (potato thuds) Oh! (laughing) Yo! – Did you want some of this, or? – Yeah! E equals MC squared. – That’s, that’s- – Yes, I figured it out! – No.
– Oh, you smell rank. – That is not-
– Look at that! Mm. Mm, mm. Oh! – Oh yeah!
– Oh! – Oh no, it’s okay. – We’re trying out new- – No!
– It’s okay. – Yeah, it’s okay.
– Oh! – It’s okay.
– It’s okay. – It’s okay! – Oh. That’s it! We can poison the Potato Palace’s potatoes at the state fair! That way anyone who eats their potatoes is gonna get sick! We don’t have to kill ‘em, but we can make ‘em really sick. Some diarrhea, at the least. Oh boy! Ah, they are done for! (Jerry laughing) Poisoned. That’s the answer. Why didn’t I think of it all along? Poisoned! (laughing) Can you make more of those? – Yeah, I was gonna keep
perfecting it, but yeah, I can make this, for sure. – Tatum. I need you to find a lot of laxatives. – What are you gonna do with them? – We’re gonna put ‘em in the
Potato Palace’s potatoes. – As long as Frite doesn’t get hurt. – They’re gonna be screaming brown- – Frite?
– For a month. – [Peter] Potato Palace march! Left, right, left!
– What the- – Right, left-
– Hey! – Right, left, right! At ease. – You guys aren’t welcome here. – Ahoy, matey!
– Look. – Whoa. – Something very important has come up. Look, all’s fair in love and war, but you have gone too far. – Oh. – This is the worst day of my life, and I am so angry right now. – It’s okay.
– It’s okay, Peter. – Like, I don’t think you get it that if Captain doesn’t,
like, relieve his stress with his hula hoop, he really takes it out on everyone in the crew. – This is not okay. You guys have gone too far. This is my second love. Second only to Yuki. – Okay, well my first love is my menu. – I don’t like it when
you guys bully my dad! – He’s not your-
– He’s your dad? – Guys, stop! You cut his hula hoop. – Well that’s not all I did. – What? – I have your weird sand shit. (dramatic music) – No! Don’t touch that! That’s dangerous! – Yeah! I cut your hula hoop! And I stole your weird,
weird magical coke! And there’s another third thing! – You were picking your wedgie. We know, Tatum, it’s- – There’s a fourth thing! I’m in love with Frite! (soft music)
(all gasping) – Sir, that is against company policy! We must have a meeting! – That’s section 4.-33. – 33, I was gonna say.
– Shut up! – What?
– Frite. – No.
– Don’t do this. – We’re in love. And I’m (beeping) over it, okay? I don’t want to be in your business! And I wanna sign spin, but I don’t want to be under your thumb! – I am shocked. I’m outraged, and I’m disappointed. The only relationship they should have is one to the death. – This has gone way too far. We don’t even care about the sand. We just wanna be together. So just drop it, okay? – Unacceptable.
– We’re not dropping it. – Unacceptable. – Well if you’re not dropping it, then we’re not either! – Yeah. – Sir, what are we gonna do? We can’t have our best
most loyal lady potato be fraternizing with the enemy! – I agree fully, Bob. – I know what to do. (dramatic music) – We’ll go to HR. (Bob gasps)
– No! – Yeah.
– Yes. – No!
– You leave us no choice. – We can’t even afford a janitor! – You know what, Jerry? I hate to say it, but I think you’re right. Just this once. (dramatic music) (Peter gags)
(Jerry groaning) Oh. (Peter retching)
– Oh. Okay. – Barf bag. – Do you have a bag?
– Do you have one? – Barf bag, barf bag.
– No, no, no, no. Please don’t do that again.
– No, no, no. – That’s your shirt, dude.
– Just use- – [Frite] Please don’t do that again. (Peter retching) – Oh, god.
– Oh man. – Oh.
– Yeah, that whole thing. – Oh!
– Oh! – Okay.
– Oh my god! – It smells.
– Oh my god. – It’s fine.
– Oh my god. – What happened to sir
Isaac Newton over there? – Oh shit!
(beeping) – Oh. (beeping)
– Oh, man. – God, he’s frozen. – He never gave us the recipe for peanuts! – Back up, back up! This is gonna hurt you, honey! – Okay. (Tater blowing air)
– Oh! – [Frite] Oh my god! – Oh! – You’re bringing him back to life! – I see tears welling in his eyes. I think it’s working. – It’s you’re just
inflating the dead body! – Yeah. (dramatic music) (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – Tater, why did you break up with me? (tense dramatic music) (keys clacking) – Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Sexual Harassment
Prevention Training. (Frite sighs) I am your HR representative, Carlisle. I’ve been doing HR for about a month now. Before that, I worked at
Six Flags for 20 years. Did a lot of jobs there. I was ticket sales, I was
perpendicular Superman on the Superman ride, among many other jobs there. But now I’m here with you guys, teaching about sexual
harassment prevention. What brings us in today, for this course? Uh, yes. – Well, some of our employees have decided to have
inappropriate relations with one another. Spuds shouldn’t be with other spuds. – So, they only sell potatoes? Huh. Well, I don’t see that
working out too well. Well, if you can only sell potatoes, then I look like Ellen DeGeneres. – His employee seduced my employee- – No.
– And turned her lesbian. – That’s-
– No. – She, they, she was- – I’m hoping that this
class can turn her back. – I actually think she was lesbian before my employee got to her. – Okay. – Agree to disagree.
– Okay. – You can’t, (sighs). – I basically, with our class, I like to, um, you know, send our clients through
a journey, if you will. I like to make them uncomfortable. I like to challenge them. And most of all, I
wanna make them feel bad for feeling any sort of sexual pleasure ever in their life. This is about feeling
uncomfortable all the time. (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! – [Frite] Question! – Yes, the potato? – Tater didn’t turn me lesbian, I was already lesbian, and- – See? – I’m going to be telling
my parents anyways, since I was betrothed
to you, Peter Parker, so shut up.
– Oh. Okay. – There’s a lot of history. See, what I was hoping for here was sexual prevention. I don’t understand this part, so if we could just do sexual, we just need to prevent
them from having sex. It’s something that I am
very trained with in my life. I practice it most days, and I was hoping that we could prevent Tater and Frite from
doing anything sexual, or any kinda contact. I don’t want it, and I
think it’s bad for business. It’s bad for my life. – Tater has a question. – Yes, Tater? – I wanna know why (beeping)
pencil (beeping) is here. – Hey, hey!
– Whoa. – Who? – You know for a fact I don’t
have a pencil (beeping). – I body shamed him, and I
called him a pencil (beeping). I haven’t even seen his (beeping). – I do not have a pencil (beeping), okay? And there are lots of
people that confirm that. I have sources. I even have photos, if
you really need proof. I’d prefer not to share. But I don’t want to get it twisted. – Okay. – Barney is here because everyone needs to explore more options. – I’m here to learn, so if you
could leave me alone, please. – That’s Tater’s ex. He shouldn’t be here. – I get it, I’m really distracting to you. – Okay.
– Oh my god. – I think we have a lot-
– Honestly, it’s Ex-ual harassment prevention.
– That’s good. – Okay, that’s pretty good. I see we have a lot to
learn, to cover here. Can anyone tell me what harassment is? Yes, Jerry. – It’s when you’re freaking
annoying to other people. This freaking dinger harasses me everyday. – Okay, okay, well that, okay, that’s also harassment
right there, but yes? – It’s when you make the
worst spuds known to man. – Okay, I don’t know if that qualifies. – You harass the taste buds. – Okay. Okay. Yes, Jerry? – It’s when you wear a
little gay boy shorts. – Okay.
– Okay, yes. The potato again. – Carlisle, ex-Superman, listen. What’s harassment is those two. They’re harassing us. All we wanna do is be together, and I don’t see the problem with it. – Well, you see the problem is that any sort of sexual relations is bad- – Thank you for saying that.
– You’re welcome. – See, what you’re doing right now is bad, and it’s against God. – So, is the guy in the sailor outfit mad because they’re both potatoes, or because they’re both women? – [Frite] Why is Barney here,
and who is Barney’s friend? – [Carlisle] Who are you, sir? – I don’t know. – I’m just trying to better myself. I’m the co-owner of a company. – Okay. – Yeah.
– That’s awesome. – No actually, I realize-
– Were you- – He’s been here in most of these meetings for the past month. – So when I saw Carlisle
at Six Flags as Superman, I was like, I gotta be that guy’s friend, and he told me, “I’m doing
this sexual harassment prevention class,” I’m
like, “I’m there, bro. I’m there.” And now we hang out every Tuesday night. – Yeah, Anthony, I used
to see him at Six Flags all the time. You know, he was there
getting some tattoos. He likes to get the
tattoos while on the rides. And it comes out really unique, you know, a lot of loops. – He has a wife. But he and I just kinda
hang out, you know? Platonically. – He’s there with us all day every day in the bedroom. And, uh, you know, it’s unique. It’s a unique relationship we have. Anthony’s a very kind, openhearted person. It’s platonic. It’s platonic, you know. And I think that’s kinda
what turns me on about it. – Are you from the “Angry Birds” movie? – One and two, yeah. – Oh, I like the first one. I did not like the second one. – They made a second one? – Yeah, they made a second one. – Yeah. – They made an “Angry Birds” movie? – Okay, let’s take this
back to the beginning. Part of sexual harassment is
saying inappropriate things to one another. Can people give me phrases that you shouldn’t say
in a workplace setting? – (beeping). – I was gonna say (beeping). – Okay, any others? Any other phrases? It can be more than just one word. Yes, you in the back there. What’s your name? – Uh, Bob.
– Bob, okay. – Something like, “Bob, if
you don’t do what I say, I’m gonna shove a potato up your ass.” – Oh, that’s very good, Bob. That’s perfect. – I’m just riffing.
– Oh. – Now, yes? – Poon town? – Okay, once again, we’re saying a lot of just one words. Yes, Jerry.
– Gooch. – Why don’t we get more
of a sentence going? – If you don’t give me a raise, I’m gonna (beeping) myself. – Not sexual.
– Exactly. – I’m gonna (beeping)
myself when I’m jerking off. – Oh, there we go. That’s the spice we needed.
– That’s a thing. – Hi, man, let me get that, let me get your girl’s hi-man, hymen. – You know what, okay,
I’m gonna take that. That’s good.
(bell dings) – It’s crushing time. – There we go.
– Oh my god. – Um, get in my, get in my G-spot, girl! – Nice, Jerry. – Pull that out of my mouth. – Peter, no, that’s, you’re
not sexually harassing someone. – Anus. – Titty time!
– There we go. – I was gonna say that. I was gonna say titty time. – Jerry’s in the lead right now. Peter, you wanna try to catch up? – Nipple please me! – Oh, Jerry’s up by two. We’re in the fourth quarter right now. – I haven’t thought, I’m sorry, I haven’t thought
about sex in three years. Wet ass ass.
– Okay, well- – Wet ass in not one! Wet ass is not one!
– We’ll take it. Wet ass is okay. If you’re saying that to someone, it can count as sexual harassment. Jerry, you got anything? He’s catching up now. This could be a comeback story. – Uh, let me get a whiff- – Comeback? Seriously? – Nice, that’s one for the potato. – Hey, they’re holding hands! – Whoa! – [Carlisle] That’s three points. – What?
– What? – We’re holding hands
because we love each other. What’s the problem? – So you’re gonna say, I’m sorry! Mrs. Kate? All of this stuff that they said about jingle tits, and motorboating, and (beeping) stuff is all appropriate, but two potatoes holding
hands is inappropriate? – Yeah. – It’s tough. I really thought I wanted
to break up with Tater, and no longer be with her, but seeing her with someone else just, it’s not okay. It wasn’t okay. I really didn’t like that. It was, um. It was hard. – But they’re only holding hands, which is, I guess, I guess the roots of a potato, I have no idea how potatoes reproduce. Uh. – Potatoes reproduce vegetively. Which means that their
eyes are where you sprout roots and stuff. So like, someone like me, I was just born of another potato. And so how can you necessarily
sexually harass yourself, if that’s also your mom? Like, these are complicated things we could get into, but we
were so focused on the people. – Okay. This is clearly worse than I expected. This is the most dastardly
group of individuals I’ve ever worked with. So we’re gonna break off into groups, and we’re gonna do a
little bit of role playing. – Yes! – That sounds like a sex thing. Are we gonna have sex? – I don’t want to have sex
with anyone in this room. – I don’t really wanna have sex. – Nobody wants to have
sex with you, Jerry. – [Tater] Nobody wants
to have sex with you! – Hey, don’t say that. People wanna have sex with me. – [Frite] Nobody wants
to have sex with you. – My hot wife wants to have
sex with me all the time, so. – Gus! Wake the (beeping) up! – Yeah, okay. So I fell asleep, sue me. I already know everything
about sexual harassment, because I was left by my body pillow. And Yuki meant everything to me. Her ass meant everything to me. And I know all about it. That ass. Real talk, I didn’t fall
asleep out of disrespect. It was more out of giving
everyone else a chance. You see, I’m somebody of the mindset that hole is hole, and it doesn’t really matter
what gender somebody is. I’m down for whatever, and I’ve done it all. – I’m sorry, at what point
do you become Superman? – When you least expect it. All right, we’re gonna
break off into groups. – Did I miss the bad word section? – Do you have one?
– Yes, you did. – Do you got something?
– Say the best one now. – Uh. Lube it up! There’s not enough hentai! We gotta make some. – Mm.
– At work. – That’s not too bad.
– Okay. – All right. (bright upbeat music) – I have a couple ways that I keep from getting aroused at work. I, um, well I wear the suspenders so you can’t see my nipples. I have this little ball I keep, it’s a little potato. And I just squeeze it, so the blood flow goes into my arms. I also keep a feather duster. That’s to tickle me, sometimes. (Carlisle sighs) – Okay. Now we’re gonna do a little
bit of role play, all right? We’re gonna have two of you come up here, and demonstrate some appropriate
workplace interactions. Okay, we got two volunteers right here. (all clapping) All right. Now Jerry, Peter. You’re going to demonstrate
some appropriate workplace interactions. Why don’t you say some
things that you can say to your fellow coworkers? Maybe some positive things? – You wear the outfit
where your balls look nice. – Okay.
(Bob clapping) – Peter.
– No, let’s not clap for that. – Peter, good job.
– Peter cannot- – He’s being gay again! – You can’t comment on someone’s- – It’s not gay to compliment- – It’s gay-
– Another man’s balls. – Yeah, it is. That’s the definition of gay. – Oh my god, leave Peter alone. He’s not gay. He’s just a sailor. – Literally, that’s not
the definition of gay. Trust me. I know. I read the dictionary. Upon further inspection,
I suppose maybe saying that somebody’s balls look nice was sexual harassment. Maybe. But it’s not gay. – To comment on another
man’s balls is gay. Period. – It’s just one dude commenting on another gentleman’s balls. Just an anatomical observation. – Say something that is
not commenting on his body. – Come on, Peter. – Good job, slugger. – Okay, there we go. – Nice, Peter.
– Very good. (all clap) Now obviously also in workplace, it’s okay to have some
physical interactions, but what are some appropriate
physical interactions you can have with your coworkers? Why don’t you demonstrate what you think are some appropriate? – Bitch.
– Okay, no. No, that’s a little aggressive. – Jerry!
(all snickering) – Oh my god.
(Jerry laughing) – Hey, hey, hey!
– Ow, ow, ow! – Hey, hey!
– He’s on me! – Hey!
– Hey, hey, hey! Okay, okay, okay!
– Hey, hey! Peter!
– Okay, settle down! – Don’t touch her!
– Settle down! – Don’t.
– Settle down. (Bob crying) – [Carlisle] Don’t make me
get out the Superman costume. – You have it here?
– Is that a threat? – [Carlisle] I have it here. – Tater, what are you doing? We haven’t talked about that yet. I smell really good, and
people can’t get enough of it. – You smell like a potato.
– Frite. – I know. – Try that again. – Okay. – What are some appropriate
physical interactions? Maybe you can shake hands,
or fist bump, or something? – We’re not good at shaking hands. – We’re not good at shaking hands. – How about this? Why don’t you guys go in for a hug? Which is okay, if both
people are okay with it. (Jerry laughs) (all clapping) – Stop. – You’re leaning-
– Stop! – You’re leaning.
– You’re leaning into me. – You’re leaning. Stop! Just. – That was awesome. – What? – You guys did really great. I’m really proud of you. You may sit down. – That’s it? Did we pass? Can we go home?
– Do we win? – No.
– Do we win? – No.
– What? – There’s no winning sexual
harassment prevention. – Is she still lesbian? – I believe so. – Then we didn’t win.
– Then we didn’t win. – [Frite] Oh my god. – That’s, okay. – That’s so (beeping) up on every level. – Every level. – Not on some levels. – Jerry is my sworn enemy. But I will say that that hug
brought us closer together. Not emotionally, physically. We were physically closer together. (bright upbeat music) – Okay. Let’s have some other people step up here. – Barney hasn’t gone. – Barney, why don’t you go ahead? And I’m sorry, what’s your name? – Anthony. – Anthony, okay.
– Yeah. – Uh, why don’t you
guys both step up here? – ‘Kay.
(all clapping) – Now, Barney, what’s
something that’s been troubling you at work that you’d like to work through right now? – Well, there’s this girl. – Okay. – And it’s tough. Here’s the thing though, is like, I’m not really, like,
ready for it, you know? Like, I got a lotta stuff going on. But like, I also don’t really want her to be with anyone else, if
you get what I’m saying. – [Carlisle] Got it, got it. – [Barney] You know, so it’s like, I’m just kinda trying to, you know. – Barney, it sounds like you might need to make the first move here. – To? Sorry, not in this room.
– Yeah. Not in this room, but you know, like maybe you’re
feeling a little nervous. – Is this dating advice?
– Yeah. – Or we doing the training? – Yeah.
– Is he sending her DMs? – Well the problem is I broke up with her. – Mm.
– Mm. – So Anthony, why don’t you
play this girl in question? – Okay.
– Okay. – Now let’s practice you going up and saying, how would you tell her she can’t date anyone else? – [Anthony] What’s the girl’s name? – Uh, Gator. – Okay.
– Like an alligator? – Okay.
– Not like, you’re nothing like an alligator. – All right, so Gator’s walking in. – Okay.
– Yeah. – Okay.
– Mm. – That’s not how she walks. – Dude, you guys don’t know Gator. – Guys, we don’t know who this Gator is. – This isn’t about anyone here. – It’s me.
– Okay, should I walk in? – Yeah.
– Okay. – Just go and head in.
– All right, all right. (Anthony grunting) – Wow.
– Wow. – Wow, look at that.
– What’s up, Gator? – Hey.
– Hey, Gator. – Hey.
– Hey. (laughing) – Hey.
– Wow. – Excuse me, how is this
sexual harassment prevention? – Yeah, what’s happening here? – I don’t understand!
– I’m also standing! – Why can they do this and we can’t? – Hey, he hasn’t even
talked about his balls yet! – I think you’re an awful teacher. You’re just having people
do weird grounded skits. – Go back to Six Flags, Carmichael! – Is it wrong ‘cause Anthony’s
a dude and I’m a dude? – Yeah. Yeah.
– What? Can you not handle-
– No one said that! – A man playing a woman?
– No one said that! – [Barney] Good god! – Can you not handle
a man playing a woman? – Tater and Frite, can
you stop being homophobic for two seconds?
– Wow! – Two seconds. God.
– Yeah. – I support everyone. And sometimes I feel
like no one supports me, and there’s no bigger evidence than what just happened there. – What is this even for? I never signed a release form. You can’t release this. You cannot release this footage. – God, that Anthony. What an amazing guy. I mean truly, that’s
probably the best thing that came out of the
sexual harassment training, was meeting him. We’re getting a coffee later. It was really special. He’s so tender. Yeah, that was awesome. Thank you so much. – You guys rock. – Do you want me to do more? – This was really educational. – Do you want me to do more? – Maybe later. I don’t know, you wanna
play pickleball sometime? – Ooh.
– Hey! – Let me join. (chuckling) – Yeah.
– (laughs) Yeah. – You can come. – Okay.
– It’d be fun. – I can come.
– Very cool. – Can I go to the restroom? – Okay, you know what? Let’s take a five minute break. Let’s all cool down, let’s all get a rest, get an Oreo, and we’ll meet
back up in five minutes. – Did you bring Oreos for everyone? – Enough for myself. – [Augustus] I’ll go with you. (bright upbeat music) – In this class in particular, I’m really channeling Tony Robbins. I learned a lot from him. I’ll never forget him
just standing over me, you know, he’s 10 feet tall. Just looking at me going,
“You can do great things.” And I was like, “I can do great things.” He actually plucked me out of Six Flags. He was there, and he saw me at the top of the Superman ride, and
he recognized my greatness, and he said, you know, “On the
shoulders of giants we sit.” And I was like, “I agree.” And this was when the,
‘cause the ride got stopped there at the top of the ride, and it happens a lot, and so we had a good conversation there. And he said, “You know what? I think you don’t need to
be working at Six Flags. You can be working somewhere else.” I said, “You’re right.” And I unhooked myself, and fell into the carriage there, the seats, and as I fell, you know,
a couple family members, this small family, they did
fall out of their seat belts, and they did fall to their deaths. – What’s the weirdest thing
someone’s ever dropped on a ride? – Oh, uh. Uh, Faberge eggs. Um, uh, Cadbury Creme Eggs. – Mm. – One time, someone shit themselves. – Mm. – And when it came up on
Superman, it floated up. – On you?
– Onto my face, yeah. – Oh.
– It was pretty bad. – Okay, ugh. Mm. (Carlisle grunting) All right. Now back to the course. I have been sensing a lot of tension coming from this section
of the room right here. Um, so why don’t you guys get up here and demonstrate some appropriate
workplace interactions? (Bob claps) (all clapping) – That felt inappropriate. The hand touching. – Shut up.
– Sorry. – I feel as if anything we do, the room is gonna think
it’s inappropriate. – Seriously.
– No, no, no. Okay? – Okay. – Uh.
(Barney retching) Oh.
– No, no. – Oh, okay. It’s a bit much. – [Tater] Coworkers can hug! – Well, it depends. – [Frite] What does it depend on? – Yeah, I definitely felt like, and this is gonna be
a weird way to say it, I felt like I was, um, witnessing, like, a weird hate crime by two gay men against two gay women. And you think you’re gonna be the hero that stands up and stops it, but my god, it was like, pass the popcorn. – I think what was weird about that was Jerry just like hated the fact that I was finding love, and all I’ve done since day one is fight for the Spud Hut, and I don’t, to be honest, I don’t care about spuds. And I don’t care about the business. I’m not getting paid that much. And my college program or whatever, the way I started this
whole thing, is done. It’s over. I’m just there now for like $14 an hour, and I get paid 20 bucks a month to keep up our Threads accounts, and our Facebook and Instagram accounts, and I’m not even doing that anymore. So I have no real reason to be here. And the one time something happens for me, Jerry leaves me, and humiliates me. Like, I’m always there for you, dude. I’m always there for you. – Look, I’m sensing that
there’s sexual tension between the two of you. Coworkers cannot have any
sexual tension between them. Nothing, that is what’s making
this inappropriate here. You must be completely platonic. – Wait, wait, wait.
– Borderline robotic. – We don’t even-
– Yeah, we’re- – We don’t work in the same-
– We’re not coworkers. We’re essentially enemies. – Somehow, in the mall-
– What? – There’s two potato places. – Yeah.
– There’s actually three. – We’re Potato Palace, they’re Spud Hut. – If you wanna count yams. – There’s Yam Yurt, which makes no sense. Michael’s an idiot. – And he works for an eggplant place. – Aubergine and Jeans. – None of you work together? – [Jerry] And he works for like a- – [Frite] No, none of us work together. – And he works for like
a really successful YouTube company? – Yeah. – You do YouTube?
– Yeah. – So none of you are coworkers? – No. – I’m a potato. – Oh, good job. – Some of us are coworkers,
just for the record. Point of order.
– But not you? – We’re not coworkers.
– Oh. – Just point of order-
– Oh! – Some of us are.
– No, yeah. – Oh, well enemies especially are allowed to do, I mean, (beeping) all. I mean, anything’s allowed. Hugging, kissing, sex. – Whoa, boo!
– No! – Every kind of sex.
– Wait, wait. – Every level of sex.
– So then why are we here? – No, no!
– Fisting. – Could you stuff each other? – Yeah, you can stuff each other. – No! – Stuffed? Stuffed potato? (dramatic music) Oh. Oh, that’s good. I would like to admit something. I was wrong. – Wow, Jerry. That’s really powerful. (all clapping) As of right now, Jerry’s winning sexual harassment training. – Yes!
– That’s not fair. – I like that Carlisle guy. He said I won. I like winning. – Thank you.
– Yeah. Augustus, do you want a chance to win sexual harassment training? – Yeah, absolutely. – Go ahead, give it a shot. – Easy. Are we doing situations, or? – Just stand up and do something. – No!
– Oh! (all screaming)
– Okay, okay! – No!
– No! (bright upbeat music) – Time for questions? – Sure, yeah, go ahead. – Well, I just wanted to know so when I do wanna have
sex with a coworker, what is the best place to do it at? – Oh.
– The butt. The butt, ‘cause every gender’s got it. – No.
– I was thinking location, but that’s good too, thank you. – Not allowed with coworkers, ‘cause God will smite you. – I thought you just said- – I’m gonna say something! – Oh, ah! (stand clatters) – Oh!
– Oh! – Deal with it. – Don’t be mad. – What? – Now that you’re saying it’s allowed for us to be together, for some reason, I don’t want it anymore. – Yes! – What? – Sorry.
– Yeah. – Now that she doesn’t
wanna be together with her, I want them to be together. – Yes, Bob? – Can I have a chance to role play? – I think you and
Augustus would be perfect to role play. I think you guys are gonna win hands down. Go ahead. – Yay. – I don’t even know what to say. I’m shocked. Do you know how hard it
is for me to open up? Like, I don’t trust anybody. I told her I was a Duchess. I don’t even want the title. – Can we get a word, or? – Yeah, let’s get a word. – Aquarium!
– Gooch! – I heard aquarium! – All right, we got aquarium. We got aquarium. All right, aquarium. (all clapping) – Wow, Augustus, I’m so glad you took me on a date to this aquarium. – It sure is nice working
at the aquarium, sugar tits. – Mm-hmm. I have potato tits.
– That’s true. Let’s intercourse about it. – Okay. – Do you like hentai? (Frite gasps) – Mm-hmm.
– Me too. You look tense. (Bob yelps) – [Bob] That’s how I give birth. – [Augustus] That’s great. – Hey, I don’t like this.
– Can I show you diagrams? – I really feel sick.
– Well I’m not done. – All right, let’s-
– What’s that? – (clapping) Let’s give
them a round of applause. That was disgusting. – You’ve got a pretty mouth. – All right.
– Thank you. – You guys both win $2,000
to Anastasia Beverly Hills. – What the hell?
– What? – What?
– What? – What’s going on?
– I didn’t know, what? – Let’s go. – [Barney] You didn’t tell
us there was money involved! – Let’s go.
– Anastasia Beverly Hills? Are you serious? – They have the best
brows in all of the land! – For the other potatoes
in this room, sashay away. – Augustus makes me so uncomfortable, and he smells really strange, but I was happy to participate. I like being a part of things. I don’t know if you know this, but often, I’m ignored. So just being able to join in, even in like a small way,
it’s really, really cool. – My scene with Bob unfortunately,
if I’m being honest, did show me how uncomfortable
things could be. When I said, “You look tense,” and offered, you know, a back rub, like a coworker might, I expected Bob to say, “No thank you, that’s not appropriate.” And yet Bob accepted? I’m sorry, but t’was
beauty killed the beast. That was too much for me. – This is ridiculous.
– I don’t need this anymore. – Do we Venmo you, or?
(beeping) – Sick!
– Venmo me? – Hey, whoa.
– That’s, well, kinda, yeah. – Stop. – I’m gonna bill you.
– All right, you can Venmo me, you can Zelle me. You can beep me, if you wanna reach me. (bright upbeat music) – Carlisle, check this out. Is this appropriate for the workplace? – That’s awesome.
– Oh! – That’s really cool.
– That’s awesome. I thought you’d like it.
– You’re really cool. – [Barney] Yeah. – Hey, sports. Let’s rap. Look, team. We may have lost today, but sometimes, that’s gonna happen. We gotta pull ourselves
together, you know? When we get knocked down on our way up, we’re gonna bite off a kneecap, we’re gonna get up, we’re
gonna face our opponent, we’re gonna take that loss, and we’re gonna turn it into a win. – You know what I’m gonna win? This (beeping) battle between you and I. – Whoa. Why are we battling?
– You did this. – [Barney] I didn’t do anything, he did. – [Frite] You made Tater turn against me. – You did it. – [Frite] You made Tater turn against me! – You made Tater turn against her! – No I didn’t! You said they couldn’t be together, and then Tater was like-
– I never said that! – You said they could be together- – I never said that!
– And then Tater said that, Tater broke up with you! – Because of you!
– No, because of him! – Tater, why did you break up with me? – [Carlisle] Tater, why’d you do it? – [Frite] I don’t trust
anyone, and I trusted you! – She trusted you. – I don’t have what it
takes to stay in the game. – Tater, don’t say that. – It feels like we’re
in the fourth quarter, and I don’t have any strength left. – I know. But you’ve got this. This whole team, it’s
built around your spirit. You’re the heart of this team. – I don’t know if I can run the ball down the field any longer. – You can do it. – But- – We’re literally a football team. – It feels like this whole
town wants us to win, and I don’t know if I have it in me. – Tater, I know you have it in you. I know I’ve been hard on you. – You can do hard things, Tater. – Tater, you can’t give up now. There’s gonna be scouts there this Sunday. – I know there’s gonna be
scouts there on Friday. – Sunday.
– Sunday. I just, I don’t know like, ever since Frite told me, you told me that secret, I just, I don’t know if I trust you. – I told you that secret in confidence. – I know, I just, it felt crazy
that you hid that from me. – I didn’t know you! I didn’t trust you, either! – What? – I can’t help it if I’m a Duchess. I can’t help it. – It’s not about you being a Duchess, it’s that you lied to me. – I’m sorry. – You lied to me! And then I hear all about this, and I’m like, wow! You really are everything! You’re so, you’re so much cooler than me, and I’m so used to dating
literal disgusting farts! – Whoa!
– So disgusting. – Why am I catching strays? – Let me just be the quarterback, and let me throw you the ball, and you go to the (beeping) end zone. – Coach. – Tater, we’ve all been stuck in this small town for decades. You have a chance. You’re gonna be the best
wide receiver in college. You’re gonna go to Ol Miss. – Tater, don’t do it.
– You’re gonna change things. – Tater, don’t do it.
– And get a degree! – [Barney] Tater, we
can get back together. – Become educated!
– I’m ready now, Tater. – Get out of this one horse town. – I’m ready to get back together, Tater. – Let’s get out of this town. – Get out of this town.
– Stay with me. I’m ready to get back together. – Are you ready?
– At the time. – Only if you’re dating Barney can you catch the touchdown. – What?
– You gotta date me. – What?
– Forget about Frite. Frite lied to you. I would never lie to you. I might have been mean sometimes, but I’d never lie to you. – Listen-
– Shut up! – I’ve been listening!
– Stop fighting! – I hate you!
– Do you not listen to Tater? That’s the problem, okay?
– That’s it! – Literally, Tater is-
(chair clatters) Thank you!
– That’s it! – I’ll be leaving with Tater! – Stop!
– Hey! Hey!
– Stop! Stop! Not before the game! Not before the state fair! I’m not with any of you! I need to be alone! At least until this potato
mess in this town is fixed! – Text me! – You forgot your sign, Tater! – Text me, Tater! Look, Tater’s gonna be back. They always come back. She always comes back. – I don’t know. Like, I understand that she told me, and that’s, so she didn’t really lie, ‘cause she ended up telling me. But she just hid it from me for so long, and you know when you
don’t know somebody’s rich, and then later you find out they’re rich, and then everything changes? But like, I like when people are rich. I think it was just like, sorry, I’m hungry. – I thought she was okay with it. She seemed like she was. She seemed fine. But that’s Tater, like you just never know what she’s thinking, which
makes her so beautiful. You know? Shut up! – Oh. – I swear to god, my
team is gonna (beeping) demolish your team. – So you’re a Duchess? – Yeah. – That’s pretty cool. I’m just saying, we don’t really
know each other, you know? – Look. – Okay, Barney. – You both are gonna have to
work together to fix this. I understand you both hate each other. But this case is gonna require you guys to work together. You don’t solve it, it’s
gonna be both your heads. This town’s gone to absolute shit. – Who are you, Carmichael? Really? (Carlisle sighs) – Like I’d tell you. Look, you know who I am. I’m your worst nightmare, your greatest dream. Now get out there, or else I’m kicking you off the force. – That Carmichael guy, he (beeping) Goofy. Who was he? – Do you wanna go get,
like, a spud or something? Hang out?
– Sure. Just don’t call me Duchess, okay? – Okay, I won’t. – It’s like kinda weird for me. – Duch, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. (laughing) (Frite chuckles) I’m kidding, let’s go.
– Stop. Idiot. – You stop.
– You stop. – No, you. (chuckles)
– You. – No, you.
– You. My plan of action, starting tomorrow, is to duel Barney. He tried to flirt with me, and for a second, I was
like, what’s happening? Like normal instincts, whatever, guy with pencil (beeping),
which it’s true. You can tell. – Yeah, but I’m trying to
get on Frite’s good side, you know, so she’ll stop trying to keep Tater and myself from our true love. Our true love situationship. It’s meant to be. – I just need to be alone. There’s too many voices. People like me, I’m used to just working in a dying business with two people, two to four people a day, I talk to. This is too much. I need to be alone. (dramatic music) (bright upbeat music) The Spud Hut! (lively carnival music) – Okay, people. You excited? Are we excited? – Yes! – Today’s the day. It’s the Potato State Fair, and I’ve got a good
feeling about this one. I think it’s gonna go my way. I think the Spud Hut’s
gonna come out on top. Tater, you excited? (Tater sighs) I said, “Tater, are you excited?” – Yeah. – Tater, Tater. Look at me, come on. Are you excited, Tater? Hey, hey! This is what we’ve been training for! We’ve been waiting for
this day right here! This is the Potato State Fair! If we do this, if we pull this off, we will be $100,000 richer. – I miss Carmie. – Let’s do this for Carmie. Okay?
– Yeah. – Let’s sell these potatoes, and let’s give these judges the best potatoes they’ve ever had! – How long have you been up working on this? – All night.
– Mm-hmm. It’s crazy. We had a lot of bonding moments that you didn’t get to see. – Full hands. Full potatoes.
– Full potatoes. Tummy empty.
– Can’t lose. – Us forever. – Remember those titans? I do. (bright upbeat music) – [Tater] The Spud Hut! (title splats) – I’ve done it. This is my masterpiece. – Sir, this is an abomination. – Yeah, really Peter, you went a little too far, like what? – What do you mean? – Captain, it is a self-replicating mass of potato life. I am personally offended! – Is that a foot? – It could be a foot, it could be a brain. For all I know-
– I think it’s- – This is its ass!
– I think it’s a head. (Frite sighs) I came up with this idea after our sexual harassment training, I thought, if we put them in the beach that makes you old, and just
smash them all together, and got them to reproduce together, we can make the greatest potato ever. – That’s horrific! Do you not see how that’s a violation of potato rights? – I think it’s just another step in the evolution of potato. – Why didn’t we just go
with the Valhalla potato? I thought it was selling well. – Captain has gone mad. – Because nobody likes Vikings anymore! Listen, you’re supposed to be on my team. You are my crew! And you are disparaging my masterpiece? – Sir, it looks like
you asked if you could, and not if you should! And now you’ve created Frankenstein’s potato!
– Art. I’ve created art. I’ve created beauty. – Okay, permission to speak? It’s covered in sand. – I didn’t say yes. – It’s covered in sand. What are the judges gonna think? Like this is, it looks like
a (beeping) sandcastle! – Why are you making me
second guess my masterpiece? We have to get it together. We have to be on the same page. – Okay, okay.
– We cannot let Spud Hut win with their “inside out potato”. – I don’t want to talk about Spud Hut. – Here they come, here they come. – All right, hey guys!
– Oh! – Hey.
– Hi! – Hey!
– Oh, wow! It’s you guys! – Spin, spin. – That’s the director from the commercial that you made mad. – Oh.
– We can hear you. – Who we got? – Hey, Tomey, how are you?
– Welcome to Spud Hut! – I’m good, how are you guys doing? – Wait, wait! Spud Hut! At the fair! – Spud Hut. – [Both] Spud Hut. (clapping and stomping) – [Tater] At the fair! – [Both] Spud hut! At the fair! – First thing, judges. – All right, so what do we, what’s going on? – We have decided it’s not the outside that counts, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts. These spuds have no toppings. We have put our toppings on
the inside of the potato. We have made a stuffed potato! (dramatic music) Tell them how we did it. – Well, you see, the problem with potatoes being stuffed is there
always has to be an opening, as it does for anything
trying to get stuffed, am I right, haters? So basically, what we had to do was make sure the potato was still alive so it still had the healing
properties of a plant. We divisected it, inserted sour cream, other toppings, and a secret ingredient that’s okay to eat, especially
if you have allergies. And then we let it heal
back up naturally overnight. – So let’s make the inside of this on the inside of you. – Hate how that’s phrased. But that sounds great. I’ll go ahead and take that. That’d be wonderful. – No, you won’t! Tater will give it to you!
– Oh. – Give it to ‘em, Tater. – [Augustus] Yeah, give it to ‘em. Stuff ‘em. – Thank you.
– Thanks. – And do you guys have utensils? – Uh, this is really more of a hand food. (Tater roars) – Uh.
– Jesus. – See? We put our hands into
every part of this process. – What’s that smell? – Ooh, that is quite a smell. – Do you need me to rip yours open? – I don’t need that. But thank you so much.
– Oh, you can have this one- – No!
– Boom! – All right. Well thank you for opening it up. – It’s really wet. – Yeah, it’s very slippery. You don’t … (title splats) – [Coroner] Who are you showing that to? – The people who have been
with us the whole time. – All right. – Cheers, I guess. – All right, cheers. Good luck, everybody. Thanks for making a potato. – [Augustus] Oh, I hated, god, they ate at it like a little mouse. – Oh, oh. – Well?
– Okay. – That was pretty good. I’m gonna go finish this in the bathroom. – And I think I’m gonna
leave this with you. – Okay. – Thank you so much.
– Yes. We actually have a third one, if you wanted to-
– I’m good on potatoes. Great work. You can feel free to rip
that open with your own hands again, if you like. I’ve got what I need to judge. I think we’re good to go. – Allow me to say one
more thing before you go. Judge not, lest ye be judged. There’s some things that are in play that you know nothing about. We’ll see who the true victor is at the end of this day. – All right.
– Bye. ♪ I’m ♪
– Quick! – We’ll see you at-
♪ Jerry Spruce ♪ – Quick! – I don’t-
♪ I’m Jerry Spruce ♪ ♪ I’m manager at the Spud Hut ♪ – Don’t need to sing.
– Oh. – I know we’re freaks, but
think about the potato first! We nailed it! – That was incredible! – Oh, you guys! – That was so good! – Yo.
– The way you- – What’s up, guys?
– Oh hey, Barney. – How you doing?
– I’m fine. – Is that a new potato costume? – No, it’s the same one I’m in everyday. Not even listening. – You just look really good, so. What’s up, guys? – Hi Barney, how’s it going?
– Don’t lie. – What?
– She looks normal. – How’d the potato judging go? – I think it’s safe to say, pretty well. – Well, with Tater on the job, you know, everything goes well, right? – That’s what they say. – So Tater, I was wondering if maybe you made up your mind yet on wanting to get back together? – I did. – Yeah? – Back up. If you don’t want me at my lowest, you can’t get me at my highest. – No, Tater, I do, I want you at every height, the lowest, and highest,
and the medium-est. – Dome this in one mouth, and I’ll be yours forever. – Do what in it in one mouth? – Dome it in one mouth! You heard her! – Dome it in one mouth.
– Dome it in one mouth? Tater, I just- – I knew it! Get out! – No, I’ll do anything else! I’ll do anything else! – You’re looking at my family right here. (bright upbeat music) – I like them. I thought we were all family. – Hey, Barney? I think she showed you the door, my guy. – Jerry, I thought we were cool. – We were cool, until
you disrespected Tater over and over again, and now I’ve realized that my workers mean more to me than- – Listen to him!
– Oh my god, okay! – It’s hard for him to speak up! – No means no-bergine! – I swear, this is so hard for- (Augustus grunts) Oh my god!
– Oh, yeah! – No means no-bergine!
– Yeah, get outta here! – Eh!
– No means no-bergine! – You’re out! You’re out! – Okay. – Yeah, that’s how you do it. – All right.
– For sure, if you did. – I love you!
– Okay, I love you, too. – And I like you sometimes. – You’re pretty good too, sometimes. – Yes, we’re gonna win!
– We’re gonna win! (Tater roaring)
(all grunting) – We’re gonna win, we’re gonna win! – Uh, uh! – We’re gonna win! (bright upbeat music) – Sir, I have to speak my mind. – [Frite] You are. – As a potato boy, I view this as a violation
of international law! – You are merely a step in the evolution. – God. – What? – This is only the next step. You are the beginning. – [Bob] This is what you
wanted to make me into? – Exactly. – Hello? – And you have disappointed me, because all you are is
a little potato boy. – No! – This is beauty. – Sir, I wanna let you
know that I will stand by your side while the judges
look at your monstrosity. – Good. – But when they are done judging, I am quitting, and I am
turning in my last check. – Yes! Me too! Ditto! – Oh! – Judges. – Hello!
– Welcome to- – Ahoy!
– Potato Palace! – Ahoy, matey! The seas are with you today. – They sure are. Oh, the spudstons, that’s great. – I apologize, you’ve caught me at a particularly rough moment. Welcome to Potato Palace, where everyone is happy
and my employees love me. – Are you good? – We’re so good.
– I’m so good. – Welcome aboard! – Faced a couple setbacks, but I believe that I still
have a chance at winning. – Please ignore the smell and sounds coming from our dish. (bright upbeat music) – Oh my god, sorry! – Mikey.
– You scared me. – Yam Yurt, Mikey here. – We know.
– We know. – Guys. Look. Shit’s going down over
at the Potato Palace. – What do you mean?
– What? – I told you, I warned you. I tried to warn you decades ago. – What? – They’re cheating. They’re putting the sands from
the beach that makes you old into their potatoes to age them. – We know! You’re looking at the Spud Hut with a new coat of paint. Confidence is the color.
– Yeah. – You’re looking at the Spud Hut with a new soundtrack. Dope is what’s playing. – Augustus, your turn. The third. – My name is Augustus.
– Mm. – I’m 28 years young.
– That’s not it. – I didn’t come here for love, I came here to make friends. – Mm-kay. – You guys need to listen to me! (Mikey grunts) – Jesus!
– Hey! – Whoa, careful! – The Potato Palace potatoes, because of the sands that make you old- – We know, they’re big! – They’re now human-like, and now the potatoes can (beeping). – What?
– What do you mean? – And they (beeping) good, and now they’ve-
– No. – They’ve had a baby. They have a baby potato that’s now like a potato person. – No one taught them
about safe potato sex. – Look, they didn’t know
that I was watching them. I was undercover. – How can we beat potatoes that (beeping)? – Wait, they (beeping) good? – You can’t beat potatoes that (beeping). Nobody can beat potatoes that (beeping). (tense music) – Here are our delicious potatoes, and why don’t you see yourself overboard, and get on the life raft, and get yourself a potato? – Swim into our orgy of potato. – Cruise on down to our orgy of potato! – Wave on down to our salty seas. – And technically, this is a family, this is a family restaurant. – It’s really fun learning all this lore for a potato competition,
thank you so much. – I like feeling like I’m
a part of this family. – Now what’s really important is if you could smell it, you could smell- – Excuse me! – You could smell the fornication that happened between all these potatoes. – Don’t put it in your mouth! – What did you just say? – I said you could smell the fornication that all these potatoes had. – Peter. – They’re kinda stinky. – I do have to legally warn both of you that despite it being made of 100% potato and other vegetarian ingredients, it is not, it is alive. – Oh my god, guys.
– So you’re saying- – Let’s just let them try it. – So your saying that this white stuff isn’t sour cream? – It’s whatever you want it to be. – It’s sour cream, for sure. – My potato orgy is, uh, it’s gonna be great. I’ll be fine. Even if I don’t win, I know I won in my heart. – Guys, I’m gonna be honest. Your confusion about what you’re offering to the competition is not a great- – What are we not making clear? – Whoa! – Captain.
– Okay. – I’m, listen, I’m so sorry about this. We’re just-
– Oh no. No, no. Please, please.
– We’re shipwrecked right now, and we don’t know-
– Please, no. – A metaphor is not gonna help you. – Our captain had too much seawater. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s having hallucinations right now. – I have scurvy, me mateys! What I made is art, and if you can’t appreciate that, then
you shouldn’t be judges, you should fire yourselves and walk off. – Thank you guys so much for coming. – Thank you. – We loved having you aboard, and now we’re ready to dock. – Please, sail away, out of our orgy of potatoes. – Stop-
– Oh, we will be sailing. – Talking. – Is that-
– Okay. – Is that sand on the? It’s very disgusting.
– It is sand. – They were weird.
– It is sand. – It is sand.
– They were weird. – And it is actively excreting. – Who cares about judges? We don’t need judges to win things. (bright upbeat music) – Tater, you gotta sabotage ‘em. – Me? – You gotta poison the potatoes! – I guess I have no ties to
the Potato Palace any longer. I just wanna be able to
win the game for the town. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – The town.
– You got this. – Okay. – Dap him up. – You don’t wanna touch me. – Dap him up. – That sucked. – Hug me before I go. – I believe in you. – Okay, you got this.
– Thanks. – You’re inspiring.
– Set fire to the rain. – Thanks. – Hold on. Let me. – What is that? What is that? He’s doing- – Oh, he’s doing a Jutsu. – Okay, all right. – You have extra stealth for one hour. One hour. – I’m off! – You guys couldn’t even
see that, could you? – Whoa, where’d she go? – Yup. – You know what, Peter? (beeping) you. – Yeah, that was really (beeping). – And potato boy? – Me? – (beeping) you. – What did I (beeping) do? – You (beeping) copied him, and you made us look weird!
– Hold on, hold on! Hold on! – I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know what to do! – You said you had a wife! – I know, I felt like
maybe they were into, like, the family! – You’re not even saying,
“Permission to speak freely”! – I don’t care! I don’t want your permission anymore! You (beeping) my life! You (beeping) my relationship with Tater! I’m done! (sign clatters)
(Peter gasps) Mic drop! That is disgusting! (Bob sniffles) Don’t laugh. – Don’t look. There’s nothing under that potato outfit. – Oh, no, there’s not. – I’m wearing shorts, sickos! (both screaming) What are you doing? – Shh! – What? What? – Oh, shit! I was coming- – Your hair. – Does it look bad? – No, it’s fine. – I know, it sticks out, more like this. – Don’t pull mine out further. I didn’t say you could touch me. – Sorry. Dammit! Why do I have to be a
part of the Spud Hut? I was coming to ruin your potato. I heard it’s huge. – Just do it, ruin it. I don’t care. I’m over Peter. He’s gone psycho! – Who’s Peter? – Peter Parker. – Oh, gay milkman. – He’s not. Sure, whatever, he’s gay. He’s fine, I don’t care. – That’s not the point.
– It’s really not the point. – It’s the milkman part.
– It’s the milkman part, yeah. He loves that outfit. He sleeps in it. Anyways, I gave you space, ‘cause you said you needed space. – How have you been? – Great. (soft music) – Say what you’ve been
thinking about on three. One, two, three. Tractors.
– Hats with feathers on it. – Did you say hats with feathers on it? – Yeah. I’m in like a theatrical place in my head. – And I said tractors. Do you just wanna get the hell outta here? – Yeah. – My coworker, Augustus, did some weird, like, Yu-Gi-Oh shit on me. I’m just feeling so confident. And you look so beautiful
in this Democratic light. Let’s get outta here! – Thanks, I’m on the right side. Well, I’m on the left side. I really like you.
– Me too. – You know what that makes me feel like? – What? – Confessing something.
– Okay, confess it. Say it, what’s on your mind? – When I laugh really hard, I fart. (both laughing) Isn’t that insane? – I’ll say something.
– Say something. – Sometimes I itch my
(beeping) in this costume. And people think it’s a wedgie, but I’m actually just
itching my (beeping). (both snickering) – That’s super gross. – So is you farting in
that costume and liking it. – I know, you’re actually right. I’m Dutch ovening myself. – I love Dutch ovening.
– Me too! – Oh my god!
– Oh my god! – I lift the blankets over and just soak it all in-
– I know! (Frite sniffing) – It’s awesome. Hey. Tater? – Frite? – What do you say that we
leave behind this potato life? Oh god, it’s so hard with butter. – So hard with my headphones. They’re also really not
plugged into anything. I’ve never told anyone that before. (both gasping) – Whoa! I didn’t know you had that, too! Are you a sea girl? – I love the sea! – Me too! – I’ve never met anyone who loves the sea! – Me neither! (Tater sighs) – It’s been a wild ride. – It’s crazy. I’m gonna call you babe. – Oh my god, I’m gonna call you Frite. – I like that boundary. – Not a boundary, just a preference. (Frite laughs) – Sir, permission to speak? – Go ahead. – Sir, as captain, I
believe it is your duty to go down with this ship. But me as your first mate, I believe I have a right
to find a life raft. (Peter gasps) I ask permission to leave this vessel. (Peter sighing) – I knew this day would come. That I would need to let
my son spread his wings and leave the nest. Promise me. Promise me you’ll be a good potato. – I’ll be the best potato I can. – Then go.
– Thank you, sir. – Go, I said go! – Thank you, sir! I’m gonna go the way that Frite did, ‘cause it kinda looked fun. Don’t look up my pants.
– Hold on, hold on. Do you have Spotify? – Yeah, do you need a password? – No, can you, um, pull up the song that they play- – Oh, by Dodie? – No, when the Titanic’s going down, and the guy’s playing on the violin? ♪ I will go down ♪ – No, no, no, no, no. – I haven’t seen the movie. – Forget it.
– Okay. Well, goodbye, sir. (Tater gasps)
(Frite screams) Whoa, whoa!
(Frite yelps) There’s a lotta room back here! Ugh, it smells like farts and ass. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Oh, you both are sea girls? – Yeah.
– Yeah. – That’s kinda cute. – [Tomey] And we have a winner! (crowd cheering and clapping)
(all gasp) – Quick!
– Let’s go! – Dolphins! (bright upbeat music) – Everyone, let’s come off
of our stations up here. Hello, everyone. I’m so honored to have judged the 69th annual Potato
State Fair competition. Some great submissions. Thank you, everybody. And without further ado, it’s
time to announce our winner. – Losing my two most loyal employees has been a great blow to my inner prize, but I believe that the
product will speak for itself, and I believe that I can still win, and I believe that I will win. – Wait! What you said really resonated
with my potato heart. I can’t go on and be proud of myself if I don’t reveal a truth. Captain, my captain? Sir Peter Parker, my
father mother birther. – What are you doing? Bob, don’t, please. – Everyone! I have to reveal to you,
I am not a real boy! I’m kind of a real boy. I’m a potato. This is my true story. I was born nothing but a Yukon. My father, Peter Parker,
took my small, frail body, put me in the sand that makes you old, and I was born. I was born happy. I was born go lucky! I was born dreaming of a future where I could spread potato love! But I’ve learned a sad truth
in my 32 years on this earth. – 32?
– Called it. – Being a boy is bad. Being a human is bad! It leads to pain in the heart! It leads to pain in the brain! And I wanna let each of you know here, right now in this moment, I’m done. I’m done being mashed. I’m done being baked, I’m
done being fully loaded! I now will return to my true form. – Are you carrying a gun? – Goodbye, mortal coil!
– What’s happening? (Bob screaming) – Get down!
(all screaming) (Bob grunting)
– Oh shit, oh shit. Oh shit. – I’m not done, I’m not done. Oh, it hurts. It hurts, it hurts! Oh, it hurts!
– You’re gonna get a hernia. – Oh my god! Oh, I shouldn’t have done this! (all screaming)
– Ow! – Special effects! (all gasping)
Potato boy? – Oh my-
– What? – [Tater] I thought he had a gun. – [Augustus] I do. – My baby boy! – Oh my god, he was a potato. Oh my god! Bob was a potato? Okay, he said it, and I was like, dude, what are you talking about? I’m stunned! – That was crazy. That, I think, was the biggest
reveal of the whole thing. – It’s insane. Like, he’s like, he’s like snatched, but I was like, you’re a potato? – Bob! – What did you do? – I never thought I knew love. Especially not with this bitch. But-
– Oh! – Bob, you were a great spud son. I’ll see you in the next life. – Oh.
– Oh. – Okay. – Be free!
(dreamy music) – Oh.
– Oh my god. – Whoa!
– Wow. – Bye, Bob. – I don’t know what’s going on anymore. – I’m bored. (Jerry making vibrating sounds) (Jerry makes vibrating sounds) Oh, sorry, my dang phone. (Jerry makes vibrating sound) I’m getting so many
notifications right now. – Excuse me. (all gasping) Excuse me. – [All] Thomas Sanders? – Thomas Sanders! – I don’t know what the hell all that is, but, um, can I just get a
photo with you real quick? – With me? – Yeah, I showed up because, dude, I order from Spud Hut all the time, and I’m just a really big fan. – I’ve never seen you in the store. – Well no, it’s all over online. You are memed-
– Online? – To oblivion out there, my man. – What?
(Tater shrieks) How is that possible? – Yeah, yeah. Just one more real quick. – I’ll be happy to explain that situation. – What?
– Yeah. – If you remember, the local commercial that we never quite finished. I wasn’t just interrupting things. I was planting stuff in the back. Remember the numbers, 192.168.69.420. Nice. That is an IP address people could fill in to be taken to a Reddit page, a seemingly normal Reddit page, unless they entered the number two, being held up by the mascot
that I drew, Jadimo-chan. If they entered the number two- – Yeah. – It takes them to an ordering page. – An ordering page. – This is an ARG, an
alternate reality game. – ARG.
– Of course. – Only all the rage on
that there internets. And I’ve been fulfilling
the orders at night. – Took me 54 hours. – Slathering them in butter. You were one of the first to solve it. – Absolutely.
– But you’re not the last. – Nope. – How many orders? – 258,691. – Oh my!
(Tater shrieking) Oh my god! (Frite yelping)
Oh, oh! – Yeah.
– Tater! – I don’t sleep much. – Augustus! You did this for the Spud Hut? – I did it for the love of food. I go where I’m needed, or sometimes, just
kinda where I feel like. But I knew that the love of food was in your heart. I was pretty surprised
that a lot of people didn’t pick up on the clues. I thought it was very obvious. There are so many ARGs
out there these days. – I didn’t think he was doing it! I thought he was a little weird, I thought he was a little off, but this whole time,
he’s just misunderstood? He was doing all that for us? Oh, man. Oh man, I mean, I gotta tell my wife! I gotta tell Sarah! I can’t thank you enough. – You can try. – Do you want a hug?
– Sure. – Okay. – You have withstood the smell, which means you have withstood my test. May the food be bountiful
to you for many years. Oh shit, you’re from the potato suit. – Oh my god! – Is it true?
– It’s true! – The Spud Hut is popular? – Yeah! – So many memes. So many memes. Deez Spuds. Uh, the lady screaming at the cat, but instead of the cat, it’s a potato. – Potato! – You’re on my Spudify Wrapped. Yeah. – Did you know that
there’s still some stuff that people haven’t solved? Nobody actually figured out
any of the Kabayo stuff. – It’s amazing. You’re incredible. – Well, thank you! If you want a free spud sometime, it’s on the house! – I gotta go.
– Oh, okay. – Thank you, everybody!
– Yeah! – Appreciate it. – Thank you, Thomas!
– Bye, Thomas Sanders! – Bye, Thomas Sanders-
– Thank you, Thomas! – From the internet! – Bye! – I’ll never forget you.
– Who was that? – We’re rich. So where’s the money? – I’ve been hiding it in
the walls of your suit. – Of what?
– Of this potato suit. – Where’s the potato suit? – My potato suit?
– Yeah. – Where’s the potato, Tater? – You put the money in the potato suit? – Yeah. – What? Where is it? Where’s the suit? Come on! – It’s in the politician wall. – The politician wall!
– The politician what? – All right, uh, hi! Hey. I’d love to wrap it up. – Oh yeah, yeah.
– But that’s fine. I think where I left off before
a man turned into a potato. – Yeah. – Was, and with that! Our winner today. Please take it away. – The winner is Barney. – Oh my god!
– What? – (beeping) yes! – What?
– That’s some bullshit. – He’s not even a-
– What? – It’s not even a potato! This is a travesty. And someone will pay for this. In blood. Sooner rather than later. – Congratulations, Barney! Come on over here!
(Barney cheering) – What? – Here you go.
– Yes! – How is that possible? What was your dish? – My dish was, uh, gratin aubergine, which is surprising that I won, because it doesn’t have
any potatoes in it. – Jerry, this isn’t okay.
– No! – This can’t be happening.
– This is blasphemous! – I got the cash suit! – Oh! – Pencil dick won? – Can we please stop for a second? ‘Cause I’d really actually
like to take this moment to say something, I
don’t know, considerate, an acceptance speech, if that’s okay. I just, this has been a really
crazy experience for me. Yeah, I mean, it’s made me realize how I’ve been really awful to
some of the people in my life. I think that I’ve really, I’ve never felt like I’ve been enough, for my family, my dad, he’s
been really hard on me. And I feel really awful about
how I treated you, Tater. (bright emotional music) And you as well, Frite.
– Let’s kill him. – [Barney] I have a lot of insecurities that I’ve been projecting. And I-
– I’m in. – I really care about you, Tater, and I just-
– What? – Want you to be happy.
– I said I’m in. – I’m sorry for trying to
break you and Frite up, because it seems like this is really hard, but it’s also really amazing. – I can’t believe he’s still talking. – Expect forgiveness. But I guess if you could
find it in your heart somewhere to forgive me, I’d, um, I’d appreciate that. – Thanks.
– Thank you. – All right, Barney, let’s get your pic. Here. – We need to kill him now. – Don’t you worry, you guys. You just leave everything to me. – Say cheese.
– Uh, what do you mean? – He may have made a delicious meal, but I’ll be making his just desserts. – Still don’t understand. – Do you remember the
part of the commercial we all watched and enjoyed that I said nobody solved yet? Well, let’s just say, if we vote on whether
or not he’s gonna live, my vote is nay. (chuckling) – I’m not following you.
– So- – Just watch for a (beeping) second. – Okay, wow.
– Jesus! – Oh, okay. (all screaming)
(horse whinnying) (all screaming)
(kicks thudding) – Oh my god!
– Oh my god! (all screaming)
(horse whinnying) – Poor Barney. I can’t get over seeing the hooves. – Ugh. – Over and over and over. – Yeah, I guess you could pretty much say I saved the day, but I don’t
want to call me a hero. You can. Go on, do it. Go on. (all screaming) – Oh no, jeez! – Barney, my love! – Oh no!
– Barney, my love! Barney! – Oh man!
– Barney! – Well, as I said, there was one part of the commercial no one had solved. All the clues about a horse. You see, that stealth
power you felt earlier, I do have some certain abilities, and one of them may be that I can control horses with my mind once. – I think he’s saying
he has equestrianesis. – But only once.
– Once. – Once.
– One time. – Once. (Tater makes buzzing sound) – Oh. – Oh, your phone’s ringing. – Oh. Oh, is it yours or mine? – No, I don’t have my phone. – Hello? Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh! Okay. Yeah, I’ll tell him. I love you, too. Bye. Okay, stop. Stop. Babe, stop. Seriously. Okay. It was the horse! (dramatic music)
(horse whinnying) He’s coming back! (all screaming)
– Let’s go! Let’s go!
– Shit! – I may or may not be
able to fix that one. – Oh shit. – Did I use it before, or do I still have it in the chamber? – Um, I’m gonna go. – You should run for sure. (dramatic music) – Well, this is what I wrote. Barney can’t really call
himself a (beeping) boy ‘cause he’s never gotten (beeping). I mean, he is an eggplant,
so it checks out. He’s got no meat. He literally got rejected
by a freak named Tater. He only won because I hate everybody else somehow a little more than him, but honestly, I change my mind often, so. I wish that costume covered his face, ‘cause that’s honestly harder to look at. It’s a cute sign, but is that what he uses as a replacement instead of his (beeping)? He’s not vulnerable, it’s
pronounced insufferable. He’s feeling insecure lately? That makes me feel sad that he ever had the audacity to feel secure. Okay, fine, so he’s the penis. I guess that makes Bob the (beeping). Speaking of Bob, potato, human, his story is uninteresting either way. He also interrupted us when we were trying to announce the winner, so I’m glad he’s dead. (dramatic music) I don’t know. Whatever. – Listen, Frite. I know I hate you right now, and I’ll hate you forever, but this near death
experience made me realize I can’t do this without you. (Frite sighs) Please come back.
– Peter- – Come back to Potato Palace. – Peter, you screamed at me. – Yeah, you deserved it, because you’re a bitch.
– (beeping) you. – (beeping) you. – (beeping) you!
– (beeping) you! – Fine. I’ll come back.
– Yes! – But you have to pay me more. – Oh. – And I’m with Tater. No exceptions. – Okay, you get a 25 cent raise. And you get to hold hands with Tater. – I’ll come back, Peter. And I guess you’re forgiven, but I never forget. I’m like an elephant. – Hmm. – Boy, what a day. Uh, managed to get a picture with Jerry. I’m gonna be selling it online today. Best day ever, honestly. That horse did kill my dad, though. – Today was a really good day. – The Spud Hut! (bright upbeat music) (Frite humming) Honey, are you done with your shift? – Hi, babe! I’m done with my shift. – [Tater] Chive had a
great day in daycare today. – Hi, Chivey! Are you ready to go home with your mamas? Oh, he’s so cute. – Are you ready for dinner? I have a nice potato
leek soup on the stove. – My favorite. Let’s go, little Chive. (Tater sighs) – I love this place. Such good memories. – Yeah, so-
– Oh. – Excuse me. – Excuse me. – I’m working. No, Chief, listen, trust me. I’m onto something. This is just the beginning. He hung up. (dramatic music) (bright upbeat music)

It’s Friday, get your spuds out. BECOME A MEMBER for exclusive Spud Hut cut for time scenes and bloopers! https://youtube.com/@smosh/join

0:00 Episode 1: A Smosh Sitcom
29:00 Episode 2: Our Marketing Sucks
49:36 Episode 3: Undercover Spud
1:25:56 Episode 4: What If We Kissed?
2:22:01 Episode 5: The Finale

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WHO YOU SEE
Ian Hecox // https://www.instagram.com/ianhecox/
Anthony Padilla // https://www.instagram.com/anthonypadilla/
Shayne Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/
Damien Haas // https://www.instagram.com/damienhaas/
Olivia Sui // https://www.instagram.com/oliviasui/
Keith Leak Jr. // https://www.instagram.com/keithleakjr/
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Tommy Bowe // https://www.instagram.com/tomeybones/
Spencer Agnew // https://www.instagram.com/spennser/
Chanse McCrary // https://www.instagram.com/phatchanse/
Angela Giarratana // https://www.instagram.com/angelagiovanagiarratana/
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WHO YOU DON’T SEE (usually)
Director: Erin Dougal
Editor: Alyssa Salter
Producer: Anthony Padilla, Ian Hecox
Channel Director, Smosh Main: Anthony Padilla, Ian Hecox
Producer, Smosh Main: Erin Dougal
Associate Producer: Emily Parker
Production Designer: Cassie Vance
Art Director: Erin Kuschner
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Prop Master: Courtney Chapman
Art Intern: Abby Schmidt
Audio Mixer: Scott Neff
Audio Utility: Matt Taylor
Director of Photography: Brennan Iketani
Camera Operator: James Hull
Camera Operator: Erin Wann
Camera Operator: Macy Armstrong
Gaffer: Trent Turner
Assistant Director: Alexcina Figueroa
Executive Vice President of Production: Amanda Barnes
Production Manager: Alexcina Figueroa
Production Coordinator: Zianne Hoover
Operations & Production Coordinator: Oliver Wehlander
Production Assistant: Quincy Bell
Production Intern: Caroline Smith
Post Production Manager: Luke Baker
DIT/Lead AE: Matt Duran
IT: Tim Baker
Director of Design: Brittany Hobbs
Graphic Designers: Ness Cardano, Monica Ravitch
Senior Manager, Channel & Strategy: Lizzy Jones
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Director of Social Media: Erica Noboa
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Merchandising Manager: Mallory Myers
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